Napsterbater's mindlog

Some kind of courage

2006-10-31T00:51:00.000-08:00

It takes a kind of courage to step into the life you dream of. Really, it takes nothing but courage. The mind thinks of many many different things to be accomplished before you have the life you want, but really, all you need is the courage to take the things you want out of the life you already have. You are there for a reason, your subconscious put you there. Whatever it is you want, you must only focus your conscious mind and sharpen your subconscious to provide you with opportunities.

How to do this? Simple. One defines what it is one wants, and applies a kind of logic to that definition and attempts to distill out as much of the negative emotion as possible until one has a pure, unwavering desire to do something, to accomplish something, to bring something into one's life. One has to eliminate any sort of thinking that prevents the accomplishment of the goal. One needs not do anything at this point, it requires no discipline. The effort of keeping ones mind on that desire is all that is necessary. Most people are so caught up in negative, self-conscious thinking that limits the potential of the mind to become a laser-sharp tool.

But it starts with a clear, concise definition of what one wants. This definition will change over time, it may radically alter as one accomplishes things, and starts to want new things in life. The ultimate goal is to be able to juggle these definitions freely, to be able to put one down wholly and take another one up at a whim. When one wants to do martial arts, his laser-like desire may form a picture of Bruce Lee in his head. But, later, after the workout is over, he puts the picture down and then takes up one of a Zen master perhaps, eating, driving, cleaning, with total attention to one's surroundings and doings, moving into a dashing, gallant rake as one decides to hit the bar later on.

No philosophy, no set of morals, no path is inconsistant with any other. With enough thought, enough focus, enough introspection, one can take any and all paths one desires. One can be a break-dancing cook who draws and paints if one desires. The limit is only the imagination, and one's audacity to buck the trends, to become something different.

Time is not a limiting factor. That is one of the biggest myths pervading the common consciousness. It's one of the biggest obstacles to overcome at first, the mind's tendancy to balk at the gate, to put up insurmountable barriers to entry. This is where a sharp and defined desire is absolutely necessary to pierce the fog created by the conscious mind and negative emotion. The desire must override every other thought process. If you find that you cannot bring yourself to want it enough, then you haven't done enough introspection to determine your true heart's desire.

It's hiding in there somewhere, in your subconscious. The subconscious is vast, far, far deeper and more powerful than the conscious mind. All human limitations can be completely surmounted by the subconscious. It can either be directed, or direct you. The process of introspection is specifically to align your conscious mind with your subconscious. You must sit and ask yourself, for minutes, hours, days, weeks at a time, "What do I want?" It is a very emotional process, and will dredge up old fears, memories, difficulties, and other things your subconscious finds relevant to the situation. Eventually, you'll come to a conclusion. It's not something that needs to be rushed, in fact, this process takes an entire lifetime. The conclusion you come to will be but a temporary solution to your problems.

It will be a wrong conclusion, and it will not advance you terribly well. Don't sweat it. Try to learn as much as possible from your error. These errors are produced by a lack of experience, and the need for a certain synchronicity with the universe. You are giving the universe a shot at setting you up for success. But it takes time. Trust the process, and it may well pay immediate dividends in the form of a fulfilled, if not exactly happy, existance.

Repeat the introspection process again and again. Sooner or later you'll have a crystal clear, unshakable mental image of yourself as you want to be, a whole person who has no hang-ups, difficulties, and is wholly asset-oriented, as opposed to deficit oriented.

At this point, the introspection process starts to lose its return on investment. Diminishing returns means you must start living your dream, instead of thinking about it constantly. Depending on how seriously you take it, it might take as many as six years before you have this picture. But at this point, stop thinking consciously about your life and start living it. Go in the complete opposite direction and start talking to others about what you want to do. Don't ask them for anything. You don't need to. Just start talking about it. Sooner or later you'll start displaying those attributes you were thinking so hard about earlier. A little success will fuel the fire for more and more.

What you are looking for is an attitude, a courage, a decisiveness. When opportunities come around, and they will, daily, you should take as many as possible, without reservation. If you cannot take one or two, or even more, don't sweat it. Just do better next time. This is a skill to learn, just like the introspection is. It may well take years to master as well. But once you have, you will have mastered your mind, and turned it into a tool for powerful growth and change. Then, you can go about your body and your spirit. But the mind should come first. Your mind is where you live at, it makes far more sense to master your mind before you do any other work, because it affects so much of what you do.

Six years is only really if you are looking for the entire world, or you are particularly dense. Sooner or later, your introspective process is going to demand that you start applying it in real life. Then you will be compelled to fail, and fail a lot, a lot sooner than six years. Your mind will be particularly difficult here, because the negative emotion attached to failure can easily cause one to give up, and stop the introspective process. You might stop for months, even years, before your subconscious will beg for it's attention again, and you will be forced to start all over again. This is why it takes so long. Mastering the mind is not an easy or quick process.

But it's the only way to achieve lasting, and impressive growth. It's the only way to do anything. It's the only way to wake up. The subconscious can put a person into a sleep-like fog that lasts the entire life. This is, in fact, the state the world's billions of people default to, with varying bouts of waking sleep that can last for seconds to minutes. One cannot tell that one's entire life is a dream, in some cases, a nightmare, until one has these bouts. Then, with that moment of clarity, one has to make the decision to wake up further, for longer periods of time. The introspective process is designed to bring about these moments more quickly and for longer durations.

God rolls dice

2006-10-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Anybody with a brain can see that God does indeed, roll dice. Each roll of the dice is a person's life. Some get great lives, most get crappy ones. It's funny, but most of those with great lives, somehow get it in their heads that they have crappy ones. And, vice versa, those with crappy lives somehow think they have great ones.

It would be wonderful to think that with hard work and effort, we can improve our station. And, on the surface, that seems true. But, if you look a little deeper, you can see that only a few were selected to succeed. It requires a certain mental state to succeed in life, at least in the way we usually think of the concept of success.

Success requires that a person become greater than ordinary, larger than life. A person must come up with ways to serve the needs of many many people, and on top of that, must learn how to make money from that service. It isn't enough to serve. Marketing that service is key. It's that marketing that makes success such a hard thing.

If we could only serve, everybody would be successful. Nobody would want for food, love, companionship, art, or any of the things people want in life, because they would know, that all they have to do is provide, and people would take with open arms and give them back anything they want.

But no, sadly, entire sciences have sprung up around that basic indifference people have towards each other. The truth is, those that give and give and give, are ignored in our society. Doctors, teachers, police officers, fire fighters, in fact, every civil servant around has been getting the shaft in this country for decades. We do not respect people in these professions.

Now that we cannot respect our docs, we have to deal with the mounting problems that result from way, way too much of a good thing; money.

Everybody wants more and more of it, and it is quickly turning into a winner-take-all, dog-eat-dog marketplace out there.

God has rollen the dice, and he decided that some of the people get great things in life, most of them get to fight over the crumbs that the first group left behind. As powerful an argument for God synchronicity is, just as powerful an argument against Him is the sheer utter randomness and brutality that most of life is.

Perhaps technology will forge a horn-of-plenty we can all feast from. My thinking is, it already has. We well have enough food to feed the entire world, all the art to uplift the spirits of the entire world we could ever need, even a network and the means to distribute it all to everyone. Yet it still follows the same distribution patterns it has for the entire history of the evolution of the human race. A few get it all, some get a little, most get nothing.

More stuff will get us nowhere. And there isn't an easy way out. And if there isn't an easy way out, there probably isn't any way.

Why I can't get laid

2006-10-12T22:50:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm not talking about my problems and such with other people, instead choosing to focus on far more interesting stuff, I need an outlet for my personal baggage. One of those problems is my sheer incapability of getting women into bed. I'm not a virgin, but it takes some circumstances with some pretty mountainous odds for me to finally seal the deal with a woman.

Which is odd, because I'm a funny, interesting, good-looking guy. I shouldn't have any problems at all. But problems in the way I think lead to a difficulty with sex that almost reaches disability levels. Here is my chance to talk about them in a way that I can deal with. No human listener can listen to my problems without immediately hopping on my back about what they percieve me to be doing as wrong, mistaking it for something they might have been through before. Explaining to them that, no, this isn't the same as a simple lack of confidence with girls, is enough of a chore to make me just quit and move on to more fruitful pursuits.

I simply cannot buy into the whole dating game. I cannot and will not buy women drinks, dinner, and all that other nonsense that guys think are necessary to win over a woman. But it goes deeper than that. I cannot do anything that will allow a woman the power to reject me. Because if I ever do, sure as shit that rejection will come swift and fast. I have no idea why, but I cannot get lucky with women. I am either very successful, with women acting as if they really have no choice in the matter, or utterly useless, in which all my sexual power and conversational skill is in the hands of the woman I am interacting with.

I am having to learn how to interact with women in ways that don't allow them handles with which they can grasp to gain the power to reject me. I can keep it up for some time, but to do it for any time at all requires that I am pretty strongly attracted to the girl in question.

I have to make it happen, because women aren't just going to fling themselves at me. I'm not Colin Farrell. Not that I wouldn't have sex with a woman I'm not attracted to strongly, I just can never bring myself to even bother with them. It just doesn't seem worth it. I'm not going to run a marathon to get a chocolate bar.

Not that women don't get attracted to me, on the contrary, it happens all the time. I just never fail to screw up turning that attraction into sex. Most of the time I'm stymied at the gate. Women who are attracted to me, I can rarely find anything other than a mild attraction for myself. And that is a deal-breaker for me as far as pursuing her goes. In my, admittedly small, sexual experience, mild attraction just doesn't cut it, not enough to make pursuing her worthwhile.

In the rare case that I can find a good deal of attraction for a woman who is also signalling her attraction to me, very tiny yet hugely significant things often break off any possibility whatsoever of sex. After years of analysis and experience, I can finally say that they are a combination of an ineptness at playing the power games surrounding relationships, and an inability to keep interested in her through my attempts to break through that jungle. Once I lose interest, I tend to sabotage my chances purposefully and break off contact as quickly as possible in order to save time and effort.

So the question is, how do I proceed? There are a few ways. Swearing off women entirely succeeds only in having a particularly determined woman trying to break down the wall to my heart, only to crush it later, sadly, before we ever have sex. Playing the dating game might get me a little pussy, but it isn't really worth it in terms of time and expense, as well as the loss of dignity. My only real recourse is to get so damn good at the power play that women will be wholly unable to resist me. Sadly, it's an all or nothing affair, one that might take years yet before I finally see the fruits of.

I can't wait until I do, though!

It starts with people

2006-10-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

And ends with them too. We are all we have. We should probably take care of each other. I just don't think we know how.

One way, is to simply talk to each other. Find out who they are and who they want to be, without passing any judgements or even opinions. I don't think we as a nation can do that, so simply. We have become a nation of meme-salesmen, purchasing and selling tiny little snippets of mental fluff. We either sell our memes, or wall ourselves off from the rest of the world, with portable music players, cell phones, and laptop computers. We can create the illusion of sociableness while remaining utterly alone.

A funny thing happens when you accept a person for who they are, when you find out what makes them tick simply because you asked in a nice way, not because you pressed their buttons. They become your friend, they like you, and want to talk to you more, give you things, and help you out. All it takes is those two little pieces of information, elicited in a tactful, courteous, and non-assuming way.

Of course, not everyone in the world is going to just open up to you willy nilly just because you asked. But a surprising number of them do, and you can learn lifetimes of wisdom with just random muttered "ummhmmm"s and the occasional neutral eliciting question.

It might seem obvious, but when's the last time you ever saw someone do that? Done it yourself? Had it done on you? One should make it a habit, upon first meeting a person. You can talk about yourself later.

There's a lot of neat little psychological effects this simple exercise has. First, it all but forces a person to open up to you, when you have a bland, open face asking relevant questions. If you keep your eyes on a person, they also can get a huge amount of implicit character information about you subconsciously transferred to them, increasing their opinion of you through, often uncannily. Sitting or standing with an open, leaning back posture, naturally induces people to be candid and forward with information they might otherwise hold back, as does an almost disinterested, "we're just making conversation," attitude.

Justification

2006-10-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

I think differently from most people.

First off, I have no concept of truth or falsity. I cannot look at a statement and say, "Yeah, that's right," or, "No, that's wrong," unless it's purely for the sake of conversation. Instead, I just think of different ways to look at something. My mind dredges up whole points of view, complete with premises, conclusions, and extrapolations, almost instantaneously. None of this I have any real attachment to. It might seem like I'm holding on to a certain one for dear life, against all and any opposition, in a thick-headed and obstinate manner, but I have good reason to do so whenever I do. That reason is so I can justify any behavior I want to take.

Like ideas, I don't believe in the rightness or wrongness of behavior. Should I want to do something, I want to be able to immediately do it, with no hesitation or worry for the consequences. I try to live by the maxim: "Any problems caused by audacity, can be solved by more audacity." Rarely does my hoped-for audacity ever run me into problems, but I'd much rather have those problems than the ones of not having any at all. It makes life far more fun when you are able to just say and do what's on your mind and damn the consequences.

So, when someone attempts to help me, by trying to get me to talk about my problems, and trying to get me to see them in a way that would lead to a certain method of solving them, I simply lose interest. Talking about my problems never makes it any easier to deal with them, because I'm never interested in doing anything about them. I only want to, and I will only ever want to, explore my unique points of view that my mind seems to dredge up out of nowhere. I could really care less about success, riches, greatness, or any of the things America seems to be obsessing about these days, with the notable exception of sex, and it's pretty hard to push off all of the buzzing little bees trying to tell me what I should be doing with my life.

Nothing really matters in life. Once you die, that's it, the world moves on without you. People mourn, then they find newer, shinier things to obsess over, instead of dusty, smelly, dead you. Maybe you get reborn, maybe you go to heaven, you probably just die. It really doesn't make sense to live life for what happens after you die. As large as the body of evidence is for God and life after death, the logical arguments against any part of you that can think surviving after bodily death thoroughly destroys it. Not that I care one way or the other, I'm just justifying.

So instead of chasing stuff that never seems to matter in the long run, I amuse myself by watching the world around me and by coming up with these little thought structures to encapsulate pieces of the human experience. And trying to build some kind of objective reasoning that can withstand the heat of opposition. Something that isn't justifying and that I can legitimately say, "This is really the way it is." As it is, I can spin something up that sounds pretty good, but it would be nice to be truly correct about stuff, instead of off in some important but very hard to see way.

It would be nice, but I really don't think I could ever be truly objective. Maybe cosmic laws forbid it. I don't think logic can even make room for the idea. Maybe I'll forever be stuck with good enough. But maybe that would even better suit my purposes.

Think about it. Would I really want to be right about everything? Actually, legitimately right? What in the world would that mean? That I can argue better than anyone? That I can predict the future? Omniscience? Would my head explode?

"Good enough," suits my purposes just fine. No pesky logical conundrums. I would easily be able to maneuver my way successfully into or out of anything I care to change, on a personal, intimate level. I can remain nice, small, unassuming me.

I think I need to get this thing down, this attempt at objectivity, otherwise I will be working against myself and self-sabotage any of my wants and desires that go beyond which foot to place in front of me whenever I start walking. More importantly, it will make me so much more accessible and interesting to talk and listen to.

Mediocrity rules!

2006-10-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

You don't have to answer to anyone, have no image to maintain, and can basically do anything you want to do, within reason, as long as you're pretty smart about it. Gimme a paid off $70,000 home over a mortgaged $600,000 home any day, even if I were to have 50% equity in the latter. If I had the latter, I'd immediately sell it off and buy a smaller house. Big huge possessions just aren't worth it, unless you can afford to buy two more of them without breaking a sweat.

My generation, the so-called "Me Generation," is fucking killing themselves. I hate it, because I have to live with the consequences of the utter apathy of my ignorant dumb-fuck peers. It's their fault debt is skyrocketing, college is an expensive wasteland, and stupid ads can be seen in front of the pisser at the movie theatre. It's our goddamn fault for putting up with shitty music, shitty movies, shitty television and shitty presidents.

Fuck it all. I'm building an insane asylum to house the rest of the world in. It's the reality I just talked about in my last post. In my house, creative free-thinking rules. Solid walls made of concrete will keep all of the crazy people in their little worlds and out of mine. In my reality, people recognize each other for their strengths and don't even talk about their weaknesses, their problems, or other stupid shit. Not that they don't exist, we just don't talk about them. Instead, we trade tips on shrinking the insane asylum and making more people sane.

People who are sane have no need for the incessant drive for more, more, more. Nor are they fucking stupid and want everything without paying for it. Sane people make smart decisions that are bankable and sustainable. Sane people are mediocre and are proud of it. Sane people have no use for our shitty political system and don't even want to bother talking about it. They simply aren't interested anymore in either shitbag that either shittrain vomits up for rigged election year after year. Let the inmates run their own fucking asylum.

Sane people aren't afraid to call each other on their bullshit. Sane people don't take anything too seriously. They take everything constructively and never bring negativity or drama. They seek out other sane people to befriend, to work for, to help out, to fuck. Sane people take care of themselves and each other, themselves first. Sane people realize that at the end of the day, everybody is out there for themselves, and never throws 'shoulds' onto anyone. Instead, they challenge each other to get more and more selfish. We know that selfishness is a good thing, and we never begrudge a person his due, whether it come by pure luck or hard work.

Sane people treat insane people with aplomb and disinterest, avoiding contact whenever possible in order to avoid contracting the disease. We just don't sweat it, because we know where we are going and how we are going to get there.

Sane people deal with their own problems, and won't admit to having any. We know that discussing problems only exacerbates them, and that talking about a problem is much, much different than solving it. If a sane person needs help, he asks for technique and expertise, with a direct goal in mind. He does not complain, and gets his frustrations out in private through some kind of artistic pursuit.

Sane people live right here, right now, focusing on whatever they happen to be doing in the moment. Sane people do not waste time planning the future or reliving the past, except when alone and in reverie.

Sane people have sex, and have it often, and are not hung up about sexuality. They aren't afraid to seek out new and interesting sexual partners. They understand that sex is about the connection and play. They are not afraid to take to a sexual level any friendship in which exists mutual attraction. They do not take sex too seriously, and aren't afraid to drop the sex from a relationship when the attraction fades, and know that all attractions eventually do, sometimes even after the first time.

Sane people take the long view in that no relationship is worth keeping that is taking a toll on one or both partners, and are not afraid to put distance between them. There are always more people to meet, more people to love, more people to chat with, more people to grow with. No one person is so great that a person has to always be with them, for now and forever. Sane people realize that marriage is a civil contract and little else.

I am always right, you are always wrong.

2006-10-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

The Queen's truth, absolutely incontrovertible. Why, might you ask? It's quite simple.

See, in my reality, nothing is right, and nothing is wrong. The entire dichotomy simply doesn't exist. When a person chooses to interact with me, they are interacting with my reality. Since my philosophy is so thorough, so deeply penetrating, so powerful, as an interaction goes on, they are sucked into the deep waves of my own reality. It's like entering a Star Trek holodeck where you cannot control the program, and a person gets tossed around by the nature of my reality. I have no compunctions about overturning decades of sacred cows built up into people's unconsciousness. Instantly a person finds himself put off, attacked, brought down, by the sheer force of my convictions.

But what seems to be my convictions aren't convictions at all, for I am not married to any particular philosophy, idea, or set of ethics. These are things I surf around in, building sand castles with and tearing down at my whim. These sorts of things are the stuff of life, and I paint with them like a child finger-painting. To me, life is the most unserious affair there is, and the freer the mind, the better the person. So, naturally, I try to free the minds around me.

It matters little to me what another person thinks of me. If they do not like what I say, they must only stop interacting with me. It matters little to me. As a modern-day Socrates, I can just talk to anyone around me, playing with their realities at my whim. I have no need of networking, girlfriends, money, success, or any of the things most people concern themselves with. I only want free minds around me.

It is impossible to prove me wrong. I do not say things that can be proven or disproven. They are incisive, cutting things that tear loose centuries of poorly conceived of and destructive modes of being. A person might take issue with me attacking one of his sacred cows, and end up trying to prove me wrong. Quickly that person realizes the talent and resourcefulness of my argument. But the most important reason that it is impossible to prove me wrong is that I am not interested in being right. Other people are interested in being right. I am not. Unavoidably, however, my skill always puts me there. To me it's all a grand play, discussion and dialogue. My appetite and relish for this type of conflict always puts me there.

Who loves to ramble on about useless stuff? I certainly do!

2006-08-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Economics is a funny animal. It is, essentially, the science of getting large numbers of people what it is they desire. Whether it's a job, a sofa, a significant other, drugs, all of these things have their roots in economic science. I am of course using the word science loosely, as a term for anything which uses careful and considered thought as well as experimentation to produce results. On an individual level, economic thought doesn't hold much sway. The same methods used to generate jobs don't translate very well to getting and keeping one job. Ensuring that the institution of marriage survives is not nearly the same as ensuring that your wife doesn't leave you. Life is hell, and we often seek to escape that hell into the sublime notion of reason.

Reason is the idea that people have an ability to simplify life. They use ideas for that purpose. Ideas are so much easier to deal with than situations. Thinking about the things that one can do to increase one's dateability is often easier than going out and asking that cute girl if she wants to sit and have dinner with you sometimes. Reason is the idea that there are "rules" to life and that if you follow them, you will succeed. Everybody seems to think that the rules to life are something that they know, that they can use to their advantage. That if you do 'this', you will receive 'that'. Rarely, if ever, is that the case. Time after time again, I find that the rules that actually apply to life are so neutral and unassuming, that it would be far better to assume that there are no rules to life at all, and to let it all go and just be what you want to be. The 'rules' don't care about you. They don't have anything against you. The only thing that does is ourselves.

It is people that make the rules. It is hard to grasp the significance of that statement. It means that should you decide that the rules simply do not apply to you, they, more often than not, won't. But it is not so easy to throw off the burden of other people's rules. They are ingrained into us from childhood. Your subconscious picks them up, and uses them to form a picture of life. What the subconscious sees and what you see are very different. The conscious is far more cerebral, far more in the moment than the subconscious. The subconscious follows deeply embedded rules that can date way back into your earliest moments. Those rules set our behavior and our responses and our idea structure.

Who you are is a product of what the subconscious presents to you and what you consciously think. A persons entire world is inextricably locked up in that perspective. Everybody is, without question, completely solipsistic. That bears explaining.

As we grow older, and our conscious mind starts to diverge from our subconscious minds, and we gain the ability to choose our actions, a gradual process that begins in adolescence, most people's conscious minds become aligned against our subconscious. Once that happens a number of things occurs. The first is that we become completely and utterly broken. We cannot function, we cannot mate, we cannot even tie our own shoes without having to be told to. A huge gulf is created in our psyches, and we crave other people to fill that gulf. We become needy and utterly useless. To some extent, everything we do is locked up in this rift. It is absolutely inescapable, until we and our subconscious's make peace.

How we see each other is now a culmination of one's subconscious judgements from the past,about people that we've interacted with in the past. The other is doing something that resembles those earlier interactions, and we judge them on the basis of how we saw them in the past. At no point are we ever able to see people for what they are, because the rift in our beings ties us up in subjective, useless 'understandings', drilled into us from the time we were kids and didn't know any better.

I would go so far as to say that should we be able to mark all that we see on a person, figuratively speaking, as a blue haze, all we would see in front of is is a vague, shadowy, formless blue figure in front of us.

What can be done about it? I'm not so sure anything can be. Certainly not at an economic level. This sort of logic doesn't scale. I may be able to bring ten people to believe in it, but those people aren't seeing the philosophy I am trying to export, they are of course, seeing their subconscious reaction to it. The only thing I can do is peer further and further into the nature of the subconcious, and see if I can bring one person, just one person, to comprehend the massiveness of this idea.

I seem to be the only person doing this. Or perhaps many do it, plumb the layers of the unseen, I just never see or read about it. I read lots of things that impact it, that skirt around the edges of the huge gulfs we have in our souls, but nobody I've seen can actually think logically about it. Either they completely avoid it, or wallow uselessly in it.

I don't want to write useless stuff. I want to write something useful. But, when I'm up against this sort of problem, when the entire nature of self is stacked up against you, even doing something simple takes a monumental mental effort. What does it mean to be useful? When the entire self is broken and useless, and I see countless examples of it daily, what can one do?

I can give advice to people all day long, but they will never listen. They can momentarily listen, and I can give them a little power over their world, but ultimately, the rest of the world's as well as their own rules will set into place, and make it impossible to proceed further. I can write like this forever, and nothing will happen. I can make all the money in the world, sleep with all the women in the world, do my damnest best to help people out, and in the end get nowhere near the goal of eradicating that gulf in even one person. In the end, people are going to keep missing the simplest things they can do to radically change their lives for the better.

My way of thinking could never become mainstream. Oh, a certain small portion of it might find resonance with the throngs of broken souls out there. But to actually apply conscious thought and to understand this stuff? I don't think anybody, myself included, can do that.

There's no class of people that 'get it' and don't 'get it'. Nobody gets it. And yet, it's the simplest form of thinking in the world. Listening to the sounds of ones thoughts, one can easily come up with a half dozen strategies for improving one's station in life. Once one gets the meaning of the trick, coming up with life-changing ideas is a simple process. But when we fail to follow through, to put in the effort, to actually do the work of change, we sabotage ourselves and put us right back where we started.

Subtle desires

2006-08-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

This sort of stuff is all I can talk about, all I can think about, in different forms, in different conversations. Everything ties into it, the same stories play out over and over again, the same dramas unfold, the same, yet different than everything before. Occasionally, I might have a normal thought, like, "Fuck this stupid traffic," but those are the exception, not the rule. I learned a long time ago not to think in such ways, how counter-productive they are.

Entire modes of thought are completely unavailable to me, gossip, water-cooler chat, chit-chat about material things, emotional blathering, not only do not interest me, but I find myself thoroughly bored with such things. Luckily for me, though, I have ways of driving conversation to modes that interest me, but right now they only work on a single person. Group conversations, I cannot keep up with, because of lack of interest and a hesitancy to control them.

My favored place to have conversations is at a coffee shop, or failing that, a bar. People like to unwind there and talk about interesting stuff other than the crap they have to listen to at work. There, my social methods work out to my advantage, everywhere else, other factors force my silence, except in extraordinary situations.

In times past, I would have forced myself into situations where I'm not good at, to somehow make myself better by eliminating my weaknesses, I know better now. I can't even bring myself to do anything else but have the conversations I want to, to leave situations when I don't want to speak or participate, and to do it in ways that don't piss anybody off unless that is my aim.

In these cases, I've learned to listen to my whims and sudden impulses. They keep my mind free and unfettered. Anger doesn't affect me longer than it takes to change my mode. The only real difficulty I have is the strange inability I have to approach the things I want, I am perfectly capable of avoiding the things I don't. Fortunately for myself, I don't think I need the second ability as much as I have been thinking that I do, I think that as I perfect my ability, the things I want will simply come to me, because there won't be any of the other left to bother me.

A question of desire

2006-08-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

I seem to be unable to work for and attack that in my life which I want. I know that all I need to do is cultivate the desire for it, and go with purpose, but I can never get off the ground. However, many people seem to like and enjoy and listen to whatever I say, and tell them to do, as if my words contained some kind of innate wisdom. Wisdom I cannot myself follow, I can tell others to follow, and since they have the desire, they can follow through on what I cannot. Perhaps I am some sort of savant, capable of distilling issues down to their very cores yet incapable of putting it to work for me.

At times I seem masterful and strong-willed and capable, yet I don't seem to have it where it counts, in the willingness to do the drudgery that is required to succeed. All I can do is put in hours, my heart may never be fully in whatever it is I'm doing. Perhaps it is my subconscious that is doing me a favor, by keeping me in a state most amenable to the collection of insights and wisdom, I don't know. I have pushed myself into and out of situations where the only thing that is keeping me there is a desire to do something, anything, but not a true desire to accomplish anything, even when I know it is not only possible, but very probable should I simply want to.

I do not want to pigeonhole myself into anything. I want all the ups of certain things, but I want to avoid the tedious, mind-numbing stuff. I have the temperament that should I get a windfall of financial wealth, I would be able to use it productively and frugally, but I cannot bring myself to accumulate it slowly.

I could advise someone on how to build an empire, should they need someone with direction, vision, and cojones, but that seems to be all I can do. It would perpetually seem like I am doing nothing important. Eventually I would be driven from the company for not aligning myself closely with company goals, messing around, and other nonsense that comes from a desire to never grow up, but as soon as I'm gone, so would the youthful spirit that brought people there in the first place. Eventually, the blessed status that came from my mere presence and influence would fade and the organization in question would revert to a bland boring state, and those in question would be forced to compete on the same level as everyone else.

I've seen it happen, witnessed it happen, many times, with web forums, pagan groups, friends and other groups. At first, people aren't quite sure what to make of me, then gradually learn that I am in it for everyone, in my own way, and the opinions rise. At some point, people grow resentful that I am not subject to their influence, and the opinions lower and I am driven out. In some cases, the group in question doesn't survive long after my departure, in all cases, it just wasn't the same without me.

It will forever be that people will need me more than I need them. It simply doesn't matter to me, I will happily (or unhappily) go from group to group looking for acceptance, knowing how difficult it is for people to recognize my value. I think the first group that acknowledges that will find itself in incredible places under my guidance and it will quickly become apparent how useful and unique my own particular brand of wisdom is.

Anyone looking for new and novel ways to experience life and reach out and grab your greatest dreams would do well to seek me out. It really doesn't matter what you do, or how you think, or who you are. I can work within any paradigm, I have made it my pleasure to look at things from new directions.

2006-08-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

One of the things that greatly interests me is the means and methods by which people find and attract love and sex into their lives. It is a tense duality between the sexes that can be invigourating to watch. It can be. Most of the time it's tired and disgusting to watch, because the sexes in America seem to be completely at odds with each other. Men do not know how women operate, and even sadder is the fact that women have an even worse insight into the inner workings of men.

But there are a few things that can be said about both sexes and their quest for love and lasting companionship. First, is that close physical proximity is absolutely essential. Love can blossom over the phone, it cannot keep it going. Secondly, both sexes are biologically engineered to seek out multiple sexual partners. We like to think that we as humans can rise above our animal mores, and to a large extent, that is true. But the farther and farther away we get from our animal natures, the more and more likely a regression will take place that will destroy the best laid plans of the best men and women.

It has been shown that most marriages last only as long as it takes to rear an infant out of toddlerhood. Sadly, society has chosen to place responsibility for raising our children in the hands of the parents. Going back to our ancestors, such a burden would typically be the responsibility of the entire tribe. We are currently entertaining a slight regression to that by having the school and television bear much of the brunt of child-rearing. That however, is another post for another time.

The point is, is that we as a society are killing ourselves by making it so damn difficult to love each other. Women are placing the burden of ensuring close physical contact with each other disproportionatly on men. Would it really hurt you, ladies, to ask guys out as much as they ask you out? People, men and women alike, are building walls around themselves in order to shield themselves off from outsiders. The walls are built with trifles, refusing to acknowledge others with looks and glances, and eye contact, an avoidance of conversation, and a general expectation for the world to come to them.

It is those things, the tiniest things, that make our world such an unforgiving place. I maintain that all people really want to see in this world is a friendly face, and an interesting discussion. I think that once it becomes common for a random stranger to engage you with a short, two minute conversation, we will have passed the worst of the troubles of this brave new world. I think that it is possible to draft a philisophical guideline for all people, so that they can better meet each other, find each other jobs, lovers, homes, and friends.

Social behavior

2006-07-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

I often have difficulties communicating with people about the things that I think about. Most people are not concerned with peeling the layers off of reality and peering at the mold gathering underneath. I think if they would just look sometimes, they might be able to influence it some. I have spent much time watching how people interact with me and others, and just what our relationships are made of is a strange thing.

We humans are dictated by our attentions. It flows from person to person, topic to topic, idea to idea. I am defeated easily by this law, as it is difficult for me to grab people's attention and hold them for any length of time. To do this, to grab attention, one must be willing to intrude on another's thought space. Some of us are able to do this without even thinking about it, I cannot. I am acutely aware of other's states of mind, and it pains me many times to disrupt that flow, even when they might enjoy being disturbed. Humans seem to thrive on distraction, and their entire social behaviors seem oriented around these distractions. The doublespeak we all exhibit seems to be a direct result of our inability to actually watch ourselves. There seems to be a barrier with most people that prevents access to their inner selves, and the gold that lies beneath. I think that if most people were to witness their inner gold, the comparison to how they have been living to how they could have been living would drive them mad.

So we demand things from other people, beg from them, hurt them, all because we are trying to find something in them that we cannot witness in ourselves.

I am particularly interested in how we act to strangers. We seem to close ourselves off to strangers, not even meeting another's eyes. Why is that? Diogenes is said to have gone around with a lantern, and shined in the faces of whoever he met, looking for an honest man. Today, I don't think he would have needed a lantern. Just his eyes. One glance at another person to see if the other will acknowledge his existance. Moving amongst Americans today, you would think that everyone around is some kind of spineless coward, unable to even meet another person's eyes. Or maybe it's just me. For me to gaze into another's eyes for anything more than a split-second is almost like sitting and talking for them for hours. A subconscious transmission takes place within the space of three seconds, after which, the connection seems to dry up. I think perhaps that such a person that will tolerate such a personal invasion is I think a kindred spirit, someone on the same wavelength, with the same wonder and the same curiosity about people as I have.

I do enjoy speaking to people and getting to know them, but it seems to take a special kind who can talk to me. With those people, conversation does not seem forced, but easy and natural. Thoughts begin, a few statements said on both parts, then the conversation subsides for a short time until another topic comes up. Rinse, repeat.

With others, it seems impossible to talk to. They just have nothing to say, many times. I can begin a topic, then it would be all me. Sometimes I even ask questions of the other, trying to elicit a topic interesting to them that I can talk about, but all I ever get is boring statements of fact. It gets frustrating. People, it seems, do not know how to be social with most other people. Just the small amount of people that they have repeated contact with. Self-inflicted hermits.

Sometimes people may take issue with my low-key, moody style. I have to work with my moods, I am not one who can change at whim. If I am melancholy, I must interact melancholy-ly, until a distraction pulls me along into something else. Many times, I am feeling nothing at all. Most people put up some kind of exterior emotional shell they use to interact with others. They learn, not to be happy, but to act happy in front of others. Those same people are the quickest ones to take umbrage at a person who doesn't exude happiness. It's odd.

Student Loans, A Social Scam

2005-11-24T21:56:00.001-08:00

After a lot of thinking about what I wanted to do with my life, much soul-searching over whether or not to go to college, I have come to the conclusion that the entire idea of educational institutions and financial institutions offering loans for higher education is essentially a scam for the lower classes and does not offer them any class mobility at all.

The middle class and the upper class have the family pay for higher education for their children. They are placing an investment in their kids' future. They are using the past to pay for the future. When a person takes out a loan, they are putting their future onto a credit card, and are forced to pay that loan back, destroying that person's life. That person is doomed to make enough money over the course of the loan to pay it off, delaying the process of discovering what a person really wants to do with his life.

If you are young, and you want to succeed, putting your future on a credit card is not the right answer. The academy does not teach you how to succeed. Some people are fated to succeed, some people have to work harder at it. Everybody can do it, but it is an individual journey. The university cannot guarantee your success, no matter how much money you give them. Going to college might even hurt your prospects of being happy. Sure, after college, you might get a better salary, but there is a lot of cruft that college teaches you that just does not help. Whether you go to college with the intent to succeed academically, or your intention is to just enjoy the experience, with sex, drugs, rock and roll, and whatnot; you are being ill-equipped to lead a happy, fulfilling life.

The rich do not go to college to improve their lots in life. They go to college to become educated. The poor go to college to get good jobs, to try to strike it rich. Poor people are not interested in becoming educated. It is sad, but true. If poor people were to be educated, they would find a much easier job of moving upwards in the social ladder.

Poor people are interested in jobs, security. Rich people are interested in life, risk.

Class is not just a matter of money. Class is one's outlook on life. Class is a laid-back attitude, even when one is going broke fast. For the rich, money is easy to make, for many other reasons than the fact that one has it already. Money is merely a way of keeping score, for the truly wealthy.

When one puts his future on a credit card, he is buying a lifestyle that will be defined by that loan for a good percentage of his life. He is also buying into principles that are largely non-existant, that hard work is necessary for success, that good grades = success. Work hard the successful do, but they don't call it working. College does not even offer a good entry into a field. An entry it does offer you, just not a good one. Starting at the lowest level is not terribly smart for a person truly passionate about what he does. Arnold Schwarzenagger bought his way into the acting. Had he gone to acting school, then tried to make a career of acting, he probably would not have had nearly as much fun, or had made the kinds of movies he wanted to.

If you are a young person looking for advice, and are willing to listen to a broke-ass white kid still finding his way through life, take it from me. If your parents aren't paying for your college, don't go, at least, not immediately. Find something you enjoy doing, and do that. Get a job, move into your own place, preferably with other like-minded folk to share on the expenses, live as cheaply as you can, and do what you love, whether it be art, music, business, computers, whatever. Talk to people that do what you do. If you are enjoying what you do, it won't matter as much that you aren't making a lot of money. Remember, with money comes responsibilities, something many young people are ill-equipped to handle. Just keep expanding your horizons. If you are enjoying yourself, it will carry over into your job, and will help you to make more money.

If you keep loving what you do, people will notice, and will help you along to succeed. If you do not enjoy what you are doing, you are setting yourself up for failure. Find out what it is you don't like, and fix it, no matter how hard that fix is. This is your life you are gambling with, and it is worth every ounce of effort. If you can stop doing whatever it is you don't like, so much the better, because the idea is to make your life easy.

The sad thing is, nobody notices college students, unless they truly stand out. What with everybody and their dog getting college degrees, what really stands out is merit. If you love what you do, the merit comes forth naturally. And if you truly have merit, the employers and the money come looking for you, not the other way around. And that is the spot you want to be in. Don't chase wealth. Let it chase you. You chase what you love.

Don't know what you love? It's a more common problem than you think. That is why going to college is not a great idea right out of high school. Unless what you love is college... That is why broadening your horizons is absolutely necessary. It's a big, wide world, and there is a lot in it. The best thing to solve that problem, believe it or not, it boredom.

Having lots of free time leads persons to explore all kinds of pursuits. I know lots of people who just don't have time for life, because they are too busy missing it. I have lots of free time. I love every second of it. I wouldn't trade it in for all the money in the world. Happiness for me is working four hours a day, and loving the work.

If you have lots of free time, inevitably you will be bored. I will let you in on a little secret. All intelligence is, is how you manage that boredom. It is that simple. People often mistake what I do for discipline and ambition. I practice an average of four to five times a day on my piano. I learn Japanese in my spare time. I am learning computer programming and Unix administration as well.

At one point in time, I held down a full time job, took martial arts lessons, violin lessons, and learned japanese, the piano, and religious stuff in my spare time. It had nothing to do with discipline or ambition. I was just bored.

If you get bored, don't reach for the phone, the nearest book, a computer game, something to eat, or the remote control. Just sit still, and think of what you really want to do. If nothing comes to mind, just sit, and keep asking yourself that question. What do you really want to do. When something comes to mind, do it. Until you get bored again. Then repeat.

You must dance

2005-09-15T23:41:00.000-07:00

Remember the old hackneyed phrase, "You can do anything you want in life," that everyone and his brother heard when they were little? Sounds kind of naive now, don't it? Sure, it's true. Monkeys might also fly out of my butt and sacrifice themselves to the Flying Spaghetti Monster too. Anything's possible right?

Well, the emphasis always got put on the anything. You can't do anything. You can do what you want. You start with what you have and do what you can. You keep doing it. You build appreciation for what you are doing, so you can bring yourself to do it even more. Then everything in your life starts revolving around that thing or things. Then, maybe, you can start your life.

Before you can make your own music, first you must learn how to dance. To kill another cliche, it is impossible to dance to your own beat. You have to either dance to somebody else's beat, or make your own beat so others can dance to it.

But the dancing is key. If you can't dance, you can't live. And if you can't live, you will keep worrying about your death. And if you keep worrying, your whole life will slip through your fingers.

To quote Willy Wonka, we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams. But you cannot even have a proper dream. All your dreams are complaints. Your dream is for a better life, a better job, a better love. You cannot stop complaining.

Dancing begins with the cessation of complaints. It is a difficult thing to do. You are hobbled by years of complaint conditioning.

Once you stop complaining, dancing naturally takes its place. Once you learn how to dance, then you start dreaming. Your life improves naturally, and dreams can finally make it into your head. Dreams are wonderful things.

A dream is nothing more than a wish to make music for others to dance to. It is the most difficult thing in life to do, act on dreams. But all you have to lose is a dull, boring death, which is what your life is now.

You have nothing

2005-09-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

One thing that can be said for certain. You have absolutely nothing of value. You go on criticizing people you can have no understanding of, can have no real connection with. You have no teaching, no real experience, no real possessions, nothing of any value whatsoever. Everything you say you have has been borrowed from somebody else.

You have no life, nothing that could even be considered a life. You are in fact dead, which is why you keep bothering other people about it. You have created nothing, you sing no songs, you make no music worth listening to. Instead, you listen to other people's music, and critique it as if you really had any idea of what music is.

Instead of dancing, you bitch. You bitch about everything, the world, your job, your spouse, your kids. You are slowly killing your kids so they can be just as dead as you are when they are your age. Your entire life can be categorized as one big bitch-fest.

You cannot even be honest about it. Your mind plays so many games with reality, that you cannot even tell where it begins or ends. Honesty is a trait everybody loves, but nobody has. You are lying through your teeth, and you don't even know why you are lying, where the lies come from, or even how to stop. Everybody you criticise, everybody you demean, which is everybody you have ever laid eyes on, is much more honest than you, because they are not afraid to display the traits that you hate so much.

You are so filled with hate at everything in this world that you cannot even come to terms with it, otherwise you would literally die. Deep down, it is there, if you ever care to look for it. But I doubt you will. You would probably go insane if you ever touched it.

You can't even handle it, so attached you are to your emotions and your self. Your own narcissism could never be fathomed by you, because then you would cease to exist.

You can't even take anything at face value. Forever you will be asking yourself, "What is this person's angle?" But the person next to you has no angles, it is all yourself, you have more angles than a politician.

The new religion - updated

2005-09-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

In the beginning there was God. He created the world and us and His law ruled the land. He ruled the heavens and earth, and wreaked vengeance on those who didn't pay him the proper respect.

Then it was revealed to those with the courage to listen that it was Man who created God, not the other way around. Man had displaced God as the ultimate arbiter of truth and being.

Around the same time, mankind created Science to deal with nature and replace God as the the religion of the Physical plane. Science proceeded to rule us with its laws and benefice.

But a religion composed of pure Science leads to a hollow and empty life. So mankind started rediscovering the God and Man religions and integrating them with their Science faith, producing a small cadre of capable, realistic people who could deal with the negative issues of Science.

As the priests and learned men discussed and argued and debated, a few people rose above the whole religious issue to see the things that compose it. They found that religion is words. All religions, everywhere, no matter what they worship, are worshipping words. Powerful, useful, emotional words.

And a new religion was born, born to only those capable of having enough command over their emotions to avoid being sucked into the religions. A religion of words. Those that study and apply the most powerful tools in existance. Words command all the religions, those of the mind(Man), the heart(God), and the physical(Science). Words are more powerful than the religions that are composed of them. Acolytes to the temple of language are richly rewarded with the keys to control the realities of heart, mind and grosser physical reality.

But it is not so simple to give up other religions. Those religions are built into our very souls, and require much wordplay to eliminate them. A skilled user of words can expedite the process, but religion is a powerful thing, and the words themselves can take lifetimes to dislodge.

But in doing so, one gains a forever-useful, powerful tool to enhance his and other lives. Many might think that words are hollow, and actions are the defining pieces of our being. Many might abhor the worship of words and consider word-worship unethical, particularly because it holds no morals, values, or commands. In theory, they are correct. Many people can and often do use words for abhorrant purposes. But the worship of words results in freedom from the baser instincts. No longer is one subconsciously compelled to harm others. No longer does one have to abide by abhorrant actions in ones midst. One can simply use words to improve the situation.

And people already worship words. They worship words like God, Jesus, Buddha. The sooner they realize what it is they are worshipping, the sooner they can take the power back to themselves, instead of investing it somewhere else.

In the worship of words, semantics is both art and science. It is the highest of activities that can be conceived. Semantics is playing with the stuff of existance, toying with reality itself. Concepts are built, mental lenses that focus ones understanding of the outer and inner worlds. Practitioners become skilled wordsmiths, able to dominate discussions about any subject worth discussing.

Skilled use of words and industrious attention to their meanings can bring anything to a person that is worth having. Power, sex, and money are but some of its promises. One can craft an afterlife on mere words alone, in fact, that is how it has always been done.

Creativity and Academia

2005-09-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Read!

Existance did a great job when it decided that the people with the brains don't get the talent. It separated people into unrational and courageous creators and the very logical and very stuffy academics. It is a truly cosmic sense of justice that decided that the same characteristics which make for success in the academic world are not the ones that lead to fantastic popular and financial success.

That ragtag band of selfish know-nothings that everybody with more brains than the average likes to paint artistic types are the same ones that hold the keys to becoming unordinary in an insane world. It drives smart people nuts when they see that whiny, selfish, narcissistic bitch go on to make millions doing something that the academics think should be their exclusive domain.

Because then the whole game is turned on its head and it is revealed that the academic, with all his credentials and facts and figures and tenures, is horrible at the game existance itself is constantly playing, creation. And the academic goes through no less amusing fits of narcissistic fury every time that fact is undeniably exposed to him.

For the academic has shut himself off from the rest of the world, locked himself into the ivory tower where knowledge alone is God, and the academia, the modern-day priests, are considered the only ones worthy enough to receive it's benefits. But creativity doesn't come from knowledge, and no attempt by academic institutions will ever succeed in abstracting it away into something that can be taught and added into the impressive achievements of the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake.

Creativity can never be fit into the academic mold. But that cannot and shouldn't stop the institutions from at least making the attempt. There is much that we can be learn from an academic study of creativity. If anything, it will get the harsh schoolteachers of the day to loosen their skirts a little bit and join the rest of us.

Fact, truth, logic

2005-09-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

When people discuss with me, they often feel like I am going nowhere. Like I am totally evading what it is they are trying to impress upon me. I have given this much thought.

I have a strange discussion style. I do not attempt to change minds. I don't really try to teach anything, even though I might seem to be doing so, and even if I might even be saying that is what I am doing. I allow those people who I am lucky enough to be talking with their own opinions, their own points of view. I allow them their facts, and their truths. I just take it all and apply my own logic to it. My logic is different than most peoples. I do not concern myself with answers, with getting ahead, with being right. I don't need those things.

I take all the information I can and try to come to understandings. To build a greater point of view. A point of view that allows me to see more sides of an issue than I was able to see before. I will take antagonistic standpoints for that reason. To allow me to see another's point of view. To "walk in their shoes," so to speak.

I might temporarily take the side of, say, a child-pornographer, and play devil's advocate for awhile. I hold a belief that is roughly analogous to the Christian belief that God loves everybody. If God loves a child pornographer, then there must be something about a child pornographer that there is to love. I try to figure these things out.

Then I might turn around and take the standpoint of the cop, out there trying to catch a criminal. Then I would look at the situations that this creates. How people grow and find out things about themselves through such things as committing crimes, going to court, prison, life after prison, and so on. I go deeper and deeper into the situations that societies dregs must go through, and the necessary actions one must take to preserve one's ego, life, family, dreams, and so on.

Through it all, I see patterns emerging that simply makes moot all the back and forth arguments and politicizing of things like these. Things like making punishments harsher for bad criminals and protecting the innocent just don't even interest me anymore, because it all works out in the end. Society protects itself, there is no need for me to do so. Existance does to others what it wishes upon them, and no action or lack thereof on our part is ever going to change that.

I just relax, and amuse myself without worrying about contributing to the "common good." When there is no goal, no purpose to life, all that is left is amusement. Whatever I like to do, I do. Whatever I do not like to do, I avoid. It is a strange existance, made strange because I am constantly inviting the strange into my life, and seeing strange things where others see nothing.

It truly does work out in the end, because one of the activities I most like doing is helping others. I contribute naturally. I make no sacrifices. It is my joy and pleasure to help others find the things they are looking for. Sometimes I can help point the way, sometimes, all I can do is be there and provide service, because most people cannot accept my attitudes. It makes little difference to me, whether they listen to me or not, because I know that even my own understandings aren't best for everybody. Existance made them thay way for a reason. Existance made me the way it did for a reason. There is no need for me to worry.

But emotional cycles continue. For whatever reason, my emotional flow doesn't really match my outlook. I find that even that helps me, even if it isn't always pleasant. Being sad and melancholy helps me to find insights I wouldn't reach if I were happy all the time. I've learned to live with, and even to some extent, enjoy my sad and bitter moments. I thouroughly enjoy having a large range of emotions. It is an intensely fulfilling painting of moods on the mental canvas.

It is my emotions that I make decisions with, not my head. My head solves practical problems and presents my emotions with data to paint onto my being. It is my emotions that determine the larger patterns that my life is a part of.

Many people have moments like the ones I am trying to convey. Moments where it all makes sense, where everything clicks. People give all kinds of names to these moments, enlightenment, epiphany, awareness; but this is the way I live. All the time. There is rarely a moment where I am not contemplating the endlessness of existance, in one form or another.

Moving through the meta

2005-09-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

I can never focus my mind on one thing. Forever is my thinking moving through an entire spectrum of thoughts concerning whatever it is on my mind. I do not try to control my thoughts, and they grow deeper and deeper with each passing day. Yet, even though my thoughts are deeper, I seem to stay at the same emotional level.

My blog and my writings in general are a constant source of input to me, more so as I am writing them then as a historical marker. A lot of people look back at their journals and think, "Wow, I really used to think these things." I think that as I am writing them. I am curiously detached from myself, paradoxically. I wonder about the things I do even while I am doing them.

One thing a reader might have noticed about my blog is the lack of experiential content. I do not write about how I get along with people, or what I worry about, or where I think I'm going in life, or any of those things a person my age typically thinks about. It isn't that I do not have these thoughts, its that I don't like to air them. I consider it, "dirty laundry," if you will.

This attitude is probably the closest I typically get to that point of view when I communicate. I believe in the adage that petty people talk about other people. Normal people talk about things. Great people discuss ideas. I talk ideas with everybody I encounter. It is the only communications that has any value to me. The trading of ideas and emotions are those activities that make me feel alive.

Trading emotions, to me, does not involve words. Just actions. Silence is the ultimate in the communications of emotions. Nothing else comes close to the love you show to a person by paying them silent attention. Ten minutes of doing absolutely nothing but drinking of each others essence is worth more to me than any gift they could give me, or any words they would tell me.

That is intimacy to me. That and sharing the ideas that one holds dear to the heart. To me, even knowing those ideas that run your existance is a wondrous thing, because if you know them, you have the keys to your being. To know your deepest motivators, what it all comes down to in the end. Watching anime is, to me, an endless adventure into the minds of people. Watching their exploits, their reactions, their responses to threats.

Fiction, really good fiction, explores and lays bare the best and the worst in people. The creative types who build these stories weave incredible insights into their creations. Insights all but unnoticed by people, many times even the creators themselves. I like to get a feel not just for a creation, but for the circumstances that surrounded the work. The political situations of the time, the cultural influences.

Fiction, again, really good fiction is a welcome respite from the daily banalism that is mainstream society. The countless consumerism messages buried in advertising and movies and television. The neverending politics of the real world. The endless one-upsmanship that saturates society.

My own deepest wish is to escape that grind. To have a community of people I can count on to trade ideas with. To give and receive from. To be free from the constant pressure to have a career, house, spouse and debts. To have a community of powerful thinkers understand that the American Dream goes nowhere. People with the courage to band together and take life on their own terms. To be around people that never get bothered by the little things, people who don't need to be persuaded to be happy. People willing to relocate for the chance to be with a group of similar-minded folk. People who constantly learn and grow and are willing to teach others what they know and learn that which they don't.

The more I realize that what it is I wish, the closer I am to finding it.

People fascinate me

2005-09-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

Normal people fascinate me. Extraordinary people you can read all about in the papers, in books, fiction, the news. But normal people, that is a challenge, to learn about everyday, normal people.

We tend to overlook Joe nobody working at the gas station. We don't even see the waitress as she takes orders, except when she does a bad job. Some people might mumble a hello to the bus driver.

And yet, everybody is normal. Underneath, the same heart beats in all of us, the same biological hormones run through our veins, the same emotions. There is nothing particularly special that differentiates one person from another. We are all the same, small creatures that follow deceptively simple rules. The rules are taught to us at an early age, and we rarely question them. For decades, we follow those rules, then the big rule overtakes us, and we exist no longer.

We try our pathetic bests, at school, at work, and at the house. We are all told to put forth a hundred and ten percent, yet we rarely manage fifty. We are told this by our parents, our teachers, then later, our bosses and our spouses. And we keep trying. Because we want to reach a state that isn't normal. We want to be free.

Financially free, romantically free, ideologically free, these ideas are the bread and butter of our lives. Achieve them we can, and often do. Then we become not normal. We become extraordinary. But only for a short time. Then we are re-normed. We find that we aren't as extraordinary as we thought, that there is a whole other social ladder to climb. Happiness comes in short spurts, then we fall back into a period of general unhappiness.

Some people manage to escape all of that. But the escape often isn't much better. Drugs, sex, video games offer us a break from all the constant struggle. These people have no future, no past, just the present; the present fix, lay, or experience level. These people have little happiness either, just small short bursts of it, being forever slaves to their addiction.

One path manages to provide those who walk it with constant happiness. Artistry. People who throw their entire lives into their creations, find everlasting rewards in their work. It is a difficult path, and not everyone is suited to walk it. It is one of the least respected professions that exist. Those without happiness are always ready to take away the happiness of others. Paradoxically, the lowly artist can become a member of society's elite almost overnight, when they hit a chord in their artwork with the emotions of the rest of society.

For some, artistry is another goal to pursue, they try to climb that social ladder with it. They miss the everlasting happiness bit though, even if they do find more money.

Some people bring artistry into their social struggle. Those that would not be happy unless they have a ton of deadlines and new projects already rushing in. The business executives, who dedicate their entire lives to a business. Whether they are doing it because they love business or because they want to get somewhere else often gets lost in the day-to-day grind. They can become powerful people, making and spending vast sums of wealth, but the very nature of the job means they are always pursuing more. They gain pleasure not in the money itself, but in the ever-growing numbers on sheets of paper.

Some people, this is almost unheard of in the West, give up their worldly lives and pursue a different kind of life. A life dealing with a power much greater than them. They become monks, sannyasins, wandering bums. Their entire lives are spent coming to grips with that larger power, whether it be God, spirit, enlightenment. They read patterns where everybody else sees nothing. They come to spiritual understandings that often dwarf what the rest of us can even begin to fathom. These people remain hidden with their understandings, and those that pursue the understandings must search, often their entire lives, to find the same understandings. To an even greater extent, they throw out the idea of social struggle, even to the point of poverty in some cases, in favor of their continuous search.

But for most of us, the vast majority of us, we don't know for what we search, why we search for it, or what it will ever amount to. We live blind lives, and walk around in blind circles, never escaping the traps we haven't the ability to escape. We listen to each other, the blind leading the blind, all waiting to be taken advantage of by someone with more power. We trade "secrets" that we think will let us rise above everybody else, secrets traded for vast sums of money.

We seem to be missing some crucial element that is keeping everything from falling into place, our happiness assured until we die.

Memes that I like

2005-09-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

The greatest paradox in life is that the average person believes themselves to be better than the average person.

"Fellatio is the ultimate act of trust" - Albert Einstein.

The uncreative mind can spot wrong answers; it takes a creative mind to spot wrong questions.

"You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war."- Albert Einstein

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." - Albert Einstein

If your glass is half empty, fill it.

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire

Efficiency is a highly evolved form of laziness.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect -Mark Twain

Imagination is more important than knowledge - Einstein

A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity." - T. H. Huxley

Learning is remembering what you are interested in

How much justice can you afford?

every guy you met since you was 16 has been trying to fuck you

Politics elects not those who are good at governing, but those who are good at getting elected.

If they can get you to ask the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers

"To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle.." - George Orwell

Definition of democracy: two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner.

Nationalism is bunk

2005-08-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Nationalism is garbage designed to get you to give up your freedom. It all revolves around the idea that the state is greater than the person. That is a stupid idea. The state is a human invention, designed to benefit people. It got twisted around by twisted politicians to mean that we should serve our country, instead of the other way around. Why should we serve our creations? If our creations do not serve us, it is up to us to eliminate them. The state is the property of the people in it.

Patriots, believers in nationalism, are idiots.

The idea doesn't just extend to states. Businesses, religions, and organizations all exist to serve the interests of the public. If they fail to do so, it is our responsibility to kill them. If we do not serve our own interests, we will be taken advantage of by shrewd fools who play the political game better than we do.

Nationalism is guilty of many evils. Taken to its extreme, we get warped political systems, such as the ones that exist in Nazi Germany, Communist Russia, and the United States. All three countries are or were gross violators of human rights. All three control public opinion, concentrate the media, and curtail freedom.

Such is what happens when we give our creations life and try to protect it. Once out of the control of the people, they quickly grow and mutate into forms that have their own agendas, agendas outside of the people within them. It is up to the people to keep their creations under control, otherwise their creations will control them.

It isn't simply limited to states. People's jobs enslave them, forcing them to work long hours for relatively little benefit. People buy things then spend years of their lives paying for them, working those same jobs to upkeep their creations. We are toiling away at preserving a technological nirvana that we never get to experience.

Anti-Americanism

2005-08-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

Any time someone tells you you're anti-American, tell him he's full of shit. There are only two countries on this whole planet someone can accuse you of that with a straight face, the United States of America and fascist China. Can you imagine living in Italy and having someone tell you you are anti-Italy? People would laugh their asses off.

It is only in fascist states that such accusations get taken seriously. What does that say about the Good ol' US of A; the land of the free, home of the brave? Exactly.

Don't bother trying to tell them that you love america, but hate it's government. Ain't gonna happen. Stupid fucknuts think Bush IS America. Just laugh in their faces. Laugh your ass off. Cause it's a funny fucking thing to say to another person. Might as well introduce yourself and say, "Hi, I'm a patriot moron who can't tell the difference between liberty and slavery."

If you can laugh your ass off to six people who call you anti-American, you will have saved up enough good karma to mitigate killing a patriot or two. A dozen, and God has a machine gun for a fascist pig slaughter with your name on it. Make sure you kill a baby or two so you can piss off all the anti-abortionists.

How to use the mass media

2005-08-14T05:24:00.000-07:00

The first thing to remember is that they never tell the whole story on the news. In fact, what you watch on CNN is typically around ten percent of a story. Therefore it is mostly useless for keeping oneself informed. They are talking heads reciting talking points ad nauseum. Everyone is beholden to somebody, and there ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

Reprinted from Wikipedia, here is Noam Choamsky's five filters of bias all items in the mass media pass through to get to your television, computer, newspaper.

1. The first filter, ownership, notes that most major media outlets are owned by large corporations.
2. The second, funding, notes that the outlets derive the majority of their funding from advertising, not readers. Thus, since they are profit-oriented businesses selling a product -- readers and audiences -- to other businesses (advertisers), the model would expect them to publish news which would reflect the desires and values of those businesses.
3. In addition, the news media are dependent on government institutions and major businesses with strong biases as sources (the third filter) for much of their information.
4. Flak, the fourth filter, refers to the various pressure groups which go after the media for supposed bias and so on when they go out of line.
5. Norms, the fifth filter, refer to the common conceptions shared by those in the profession of journalism. (Note: in the original text, published in 1988, the fifth filter was "anticommunism". However, with the fall of the Soviet Union, it has been broadened to allow for shifts in public opinion.)

All of these filters together determine the news. The so-called "liberal bias" and "conservative bias" bandied about in the media are there to throw you off of how the media really operates.

This all seems complicated, and it gets really difficult to find out what's really going on out there. But the easy thing to remember is that politics prey on emotions. Every news article, every piece of advertising, every talk show host has a vested interest in throwing you off your emotional seat. If something in the media pisses you off, it's done it's job, keeping you from a clear, unmuddled head. If it saddens you, makes you happy, or anything at all but leave you completely unaffected, you have been duped into accepting something you might not have wanted if you knew what was really going on.

Keep the keys to your emotions to yourself and those you trust. Don't give them away to some jobsworth.

Are you brainwashed by the corporate media?

Read this to get a good approximation of how I think

2005-08-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

Click!

Your love affair is a drug addiction

2005-08-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

Click!

Matrix maybe?

2005-08-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

Click!

Hate life? Stick around a few more years

2005-08-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

Click!

English

2005-08-13T03:49:00.000-07:00

Cease the speaking of your horribly ambiguous English and start speaking the new language.

Click!

ROFL

2005-08-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

<@maddox> FUCK!
<@maddox> my mom just found my website
<+DMTec> isn't she proud?
<+khoveraki> ha
<@naken> you've been on tv 2 times, in the newspapers several times, been banned from a country, has 40 million pageviews
<@naken> and you didn't tell your mother?
<@maddox> "what is this? Did you draw this? It looks like a penis." "No mom, I didn't draw a penis"
<+DMTec> ROFL
<+DMTec> "no mom, i didn't draw a penis" thats good
<@maddox> now she's crying
haha, your mom doesn't know about your website?
<@maddox> (on the phone)
<+DMTec> maddox: did she see the "suprise - I have a penis"-greeting card?
<@maddox> dmtec: oh fuck, I forgot about that.. yeah I guess I did draw a penis.
bahahahaha
<@maddox> hahahahahaha she just said "I wish I would have died and not raised you"
<+khoveraki> rofl
<@maddox> she hung up
You are dispwned maddox

Click the pic

2005-08-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

Give it away

2005-08-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a different tack here and talk politics for once. Please bear with me.

A vast amount of money in this country goes to regulation. It costs far more money to regulate than it does to deregulate. That can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it.

Take for instance, public health care. If we were to take all the money we currently spend on Medicare, Medicaid, and government grants to hospitals, and just give it away, we could create a national health-care system that is both responsive to public input and state of the art. All of the latest research would go directly to the populace, because there will be one single unified system to serve health care needs.

An Open-Source healthcare system! On a national level! Research would have a single system to go through, a easy to use and top-notch system.

Similarly, we can solve the problem of unemployment by giving the American people a minimum, livable, free benefit. Possible? By taking all the money we spend on Social Security, and other smaller benefits, it is possible.

With the fair tax system, a single consumption tax would replace income tax, sales tax and property tax. By taking all those regulatory bodies out of the picture, we can easily fund a national cash benefit.

I don't like to get into specifics, but the technology, the know-how, and the money exist to make this world a much friendlier place. This is all without even touching the federal defense budget.

Callousness

2005-08-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

All of the modern-day masters, U.G. Krishnamurti, Rajneesh (Osho), and Gurdjieff, have a callousness about them, as if they just don't care about others or their well-being. This bears expounding on. Existance provides for itself. It will create the conditions it wants. There is no need for each person to work for any greater goal. The goals, the purposes, are all part of existance, and existance does to those people exactly as it wills.

People naturally help each other. Simply by being around and contributing energy, they serve existance's needs. It matters not a persons attitudes or the character of his energy. Existance creates both devils and saints, and it needs them both. It makes no difference to existance what capacity you serve it. Even if you don't serve at all, existance is still using you. We are but slaves to existance, but for most, it is a benign prison, one fraught with opportunities.

But one almost never runs into the bounds existance sets on us. We have a much more harsh prison. This prison is escapable. It is the mind. Even though you will always have one, and it will always limit you, you can escape to a large degree. Everything you think, all your preconceptions that you bring to everything you do, is part of this prison. To a large extent, social concerns are a part of this prison. We are slaves to social conformity. We think we will not get anywhere if we show even the slightest bit of anti-socialness.

This is absolutely false, a figment of our imagination that turns us into mere sheep. It is one of the primary things that keeps us from finding our true talents. The talents that get people to flock around you and praise you for being so cool. Most people are tired of the constant game for attention. They are just itching for someone to come along and break those silent, unspoken rules. Any one of us can do that. That is the secret behind callousness.

Money Maxims - U. G. Krishnamurti

2005-08-09T03:13:00.000-07:00

1. Money matters most in life.

2. Be not shy about money-making.

3. Trust not anyone with money.

4. Nothing is free in this world, not even love.

5. One who worships the money god will be amply rewarded. One who worships the other God will be stripped naked and left in the streets.

6. Make money by hook or by crook.

7. Make money by any means.

8. Money talks; wealth whispers.

9. Miss not a chance to make money.

10. Quench not the thirst for money.

Only the first part of a one-hundred line list. Pure genius.

UG Krishnamurti's Ten Commandments

2005-08-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

UG Krishnamurti's Ten Commandments

1. Dont Love - Just Fuck
2. Steal but dont get caught
3. Kill thy Neighbour and save yourself
4. Beat your parents for getting you into this world
5. Eat like a pig, hog and swine all rolled into one.
6. Better Mastrubate than Meditate
7. Yeild to temptations of every and any kind
8. Love and hate are much closer than kissing cousins
9. Mother fuckers have a better chance for enlightenment
10. Loose yourself and stay lost all the time

Understanding

2005-08-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Understanding another person is impossible. One cannot know another person, well enough to predict their future path. Even if both people share the same upbringing, the same outlook, they are both searching for different things. Existance provides us with a map, a way through life. What we see, the filters we use, is different from another. These small differences add up to the point where it is nearly impossible to guage to any degree thats useful another's thoughts or future actions.

It does seem like the so-called wise people in the world understand a lot more than the younger, inexperienced ones. The understanding doesn't exist, all that is is a person can come to grips with the reality that existance has given him. Reality isn't the same from person to person. It varies, sometimes even to the extent of the grosser physical phenomena. A blind persons reality is quite different from a seeing one, and it is quite impossible for a seeing person to comprehend a blind persons reality. He can only use words, and his imagination.

That translates to everybody, because we are all blind in some way. One person might be born incredibly rich, and never have to struggle for money. His reality differs sharply from the poorer class.

Any attempt to understand another person will inordinately fail. I am not speaking of the type of empathic transfer of emotions that is often confused with understanding, I am speaking of the tendancy of people to attach negative emotions to mis-perceived "understanding" of another.

Sometimes it is unavoidable to attach negative emotions to a perceived "hurt". I put the word in quotes because the hurt is all due to an incomplete understanding. If one is fully aware that one's understanding is always incomplete, emotional pain goes away.

Theory of community

2005-08-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

My theories and philosophies about society and the improvement of it are not mere utopian fantasizing. They are practical, modular methods that don't need a huge investment to begin. By taking philosophies like science, Zen, and Unix programming out of their intended environments, their lessons can create a culture of focused, exponential, smooth improvement.

They are not, however, intuitive. They require an individual to begin the cycle. A single individual who escapes the many downward spirals built into our fantastically flawed existance can bring others up to his level. In fact, he does so naturally.

Explained simply and thouroughly, my ideas will seem so self-evident and so believable, that it is a wonder no one has ever put them into practice yet. There have been experiments that have yielded incredible improvements. But established interests usually take them down. Or human nature takes over and destroys movements from the inside-out.

We are entering an age where so-called radical ideas are easily transferred from person to person. As a result, the average ability of people to determine their own fate has increased. Systems like corporations and governments are losing their influence over individuals.

Self-determinism, however isn't something Americans have ever historically had. It has always been a pipe dream, given to us in marketing snippets and neat, two hour doses of escapism. The harsh economic realities of poverty and greed tied us to our families and friends in a desperate attempt at survival. Technology made the rich richer and the poor poorer, liberating only the few with the drive to acquire wealth, a prison all on its own. Those with the means devise ways to keep the means all to themselves.

The entropy of the economic system is beginning to tear that reality apart at the seams. Americans are awash in cheap technological marvels. Ignorance is the only thing keeping them from using them in newer, more radical ways. Even should technological growth freeze at its current state, an impossible to fathom occurance, we already possess the means to abolish most forms of gross suffering. We already possess the means to save the planet from our own messy selves. It is already possible to get through another oil crash.

As humanity gets more intelligent, individuals through disciplines like computing, martial arts, music, learn new rules and new paradigms of relating. Paradigms that revolve around giving back and perpetuating the good things their disciplines bring.

An old Indian story

2005-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

Once a man was traveling, accidentally he entered paradise, In the Indian concept of paradise there are wishfulling trees, kalpatarus. You just sit underneath them, desire anything, and immediately it is fulfilled--there is no gap between the desire and its fulfillment. You think, and immediately it becomes a thing; the thought realizes automatically. These kalpatarus are nothing but symbolic for the mind. Mind is creative, creative with its thoughts.

The man was tired, so he fell asleep underneath a wish-fulfilling tree. When he woke up he said, "I wish I could get some food from somewhere." And immediately food appeared out of nowhere--just floating in the air, delicious food. He immediately started eating, and when he was feeling very satisfied, another thought rose in him: "If only I could get something to drink..." And there is no prohibition in paradise so immediately, precious wine appeared.

Drinking the wine, relaxed in the cool breeze of paradise under the shade of the tree, he started wondering, "What is happening? Have I fallen into a dream, or are some ghosts around playing tricks with me?" And ghosts appeared! They were ferocious, horrible, nauseating. He started trembling, and a thought arose in him: "Now I am sure to be killed, These people are going to kill me."

And he was killed.

Idealogical vs. emotional

2005-08-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

It is ideas a person responds to, not emotions. For most people, emotions are incidental to what they are doing at the moment. A good idea, a really good idea takes on a life of its own. It spawns a multitude of similar ideas that affect even more people. The internet transmits ideas, not emotions.

The ideological structures in people are more accessible to them than their emotional structures. They are far more capable of changing their attitude about an idea than they are changing how they feel about it.

A new idea, a truly new idea; not the kinds of "innovative breakthroughs" that infect corporations and government bureaucracies daily, rallies people around it and forces a response. The American Revolution started as just such an idea.

And the sad fact of the matter is that people respond more to people they respect more than those they love and trust. The robber barons were hard taskmasters who demanded and got respect from their coworkers. Those industrial age mindsets are still prevalent in the American mindspace. America hasn't quite yet learned how to love and trust others yet. Something I want to change.

And it is also my intention to change the whole dichotomy between wants and needs. As far as a person is concerned, all his needs are met. Otherwise, he would be dead. Anything thats left is a want. I wish to train people in how to pursue the things they want without being a burden to those around them, how to create the things in life best conducive to creating for others. Happiness is in gracious giving to others, and the giving isn't gracious unless a person has realistic wants that are passively filled by those around him.

Like I said earlier, people do not have direct access to their emotions. The idea does. So the key to influencing people emotionally is to infect them with an idea that will drive them to want to put it into action. MLK started with an idea. The way he expressed it was heavily loaded with emotional content, but it was still an idea. It is impossible to work with emotions directly. You have to access them through ideas.

In America, the general mindset is; there are those at the top who have to be obeyed, and those under you to command. It has always been this way, and it will always be that way. Whether they deserve respect or not, you have to conform to get anywhere in life. I wish to break the continuity of that idea and turn each and every person into a creative king.

All of these corporate training seminars in America designed to "Manage from the heart" exist because this mindset is extremely prevalent, so much so that they have to have all this training to counteract it. When you spot such activity, looking at the superficial effect of it is only going to give you part of the picture. You must use your head and ask questions like, "Why
would they be doing all this? Is this really necessary?", and most importantly, "What are they trying to hide?" In the end, managing from the heart will go the same way managing with the stick has gone. You have to have a balanced, hands-off approach.

My ideas

2005-08-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Eventually, I want to craft big, complex social structures that create the kind of people best suited for solving the complex problems society faces today. I would stand as a sort of catalyst for a greater creative process in others, not as a heirophant who gives orders. I would craft these things, train a replacement, and move on, seeing how many of these structures I can create and how well they stand on their own. Almost like an entrepreneur but very different skill sets required. The primary goal here is the creation of people, not the creation of wealth.

I am initiating experiments. I'm just playing around with social structures. I am not terribly interested in making a life's work out of improving people. My life's work is improving myself. Everything else is incidental to that. If people are interested in my methods, I will work it on them. If they are not, they will go somewhere else.

I am only actually using methods that I know to work, such as using certain types of humor to lift mood. What I want to do in college is develop more, stronger methods and use the people around me to test my hypotheses. Again, the situation above is incidental. I will also be studying music, mechanics, electronics, economics, martial arts and others. Those are my primary works.

When I can no longer go to school, I will start my own school teaching all the practical things I know, my primary amusements, and I will add on the secondary amusements, the methods of self-improvement as I go along. Everything will likely piggyback onto the martial arts classes I would like to teach. Like, "Hey, anybody here interested in learning how to do X?" at the end of a class. I will throw out feelers for my ideas and guage a response. If I get a good response, I put it into action. If it doesn't work, scrap it and try something else.

If I arrive at a sustainable, reproducible structure, I'll let it run and go somewhere else and start a new martial arts school and start all over again.

The purpose of the master

2005-08-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

The master can be anyone. He can be your schoolteacher, he can be your boss. He can be your dad, he can be your brother. He can be Osho, he can be Gurdjieff. He can be U.G. Krishnamurti. In any of these cases, it is important to remember what his purpose is. He is to bring you understanding. He can bring you nothing else, and cannot even bring you understanding if you are looking for other things from him.

He cannot tell you how to live life, he cannot tell you not to do things, he cannot give you something to do with your life. He can only bring you understanding with his teachings. One must follow one's own path in life. Even if everybody else calls it stupid, even if the masters in your life tell you it's wrong.

The master knows this, and its practical too. How can he give a cohesive teaching; teaching others what to do with their lives. Everybody is different. To do so would be an inordinate burden on a master. And paths aren't important, understanding is. The reason he gives some kind of basic teaching is because disciples keep bugging him about it.

As long as you understand, any path is correct. If you do not understand, all your paths will be wrong. So understand first, then walk.

A cycle of discovery

2005-08-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a pattern in my mind, one that would be of interest to those on a continuous journey of self-discovery and growth.

In the beginning of the cycle, one's mental processes seem weak, distorted, chaotic. One seems to be low energy. In fact, the mind is gathering information at a rapid, chaotic rate. It is so rapid, one cannot be conscious of it. Sooner or later, concepts and ideas will take hold in the mind, but they still will be disjointed and formless. Your mind is moving from formless chaos to ordered form, as it categorizes and makes sense of what it is taking in.

Soon epiphanies start happening, and one is struck by new understandings, new ways of looking at things. One's confidence will be at a high level. You can make sense of the entire world through the concept your mind is expanding to take in. After that, you tire out, energy gets lower, and you start all over again with a new understanding to learn.

Most people have few real epiphanies, little understandings. They have something small, which they think is large, and do not endeavor to try for more. The small understandings aren't wrong, they are just small. But paradoxically, they are not small.

They are so large they fill the head. A person thinks it is so big, their understandings, that their head is full, no more space left. Realistically speaking though, all understandings are small. As long as we live, our understandings will be small. They will seem huge, but there is always more.

Growing understandings means watching the small. The finer tuned your mind is, the more fine your vision is. The finer your perceptions, the more you will see how tiny things rule our lives. The whole universe is an interplay of objects too small to see.

This is getting interesting. I'm starting to see beyond the surface. New epiphanies are always within my reach. Few people know how to expand their own minds. All one has to do is step out of their own way. If the mind is left on its own to function naturally, epiphanies happen rapidly.

To create oneself

2005-07-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

... is one of the most noble things a person can do. To focus on the self and attempt to make improvements is hallowed throughout modern society as the greatest thing a person can do in their lives. So many people make attempts at self-improvement, yet almost nobody succeeds. The very fact that in America, the top one percent of persons own a full third of the wealth is but one of the many testaments to this statement. People are sheep, blindly following advice handed to them without condidering the source or measuring it against their inner compass.

People are incapable of looking out for their own interests. They rely so heavily on others and their government that they are easy targets for scammers and predators.

Sheep are always looking for a shepard. Unfortunately, those shepards aren't interested in the flock except as a means to line their own pocketbook.

Even worse, they tend to take on aspects of prey species in nature. Prey are so skittish and so fear-conscious that it keeps them from accomplishing anything in life.

People have only themselves to blame for allowing their situations to get this bad. They have ultimate control over the government, crime and corporations, because they are at their very basest level. Each of the cells of government, and private corporations is a self-aware human, who is perfectly capable of becoming a genius and creating a better future for all. Every single one of them.

A Concept of Genius

2005-07-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Genius is a state of mind characterised by gross parallelism of the mind's processing of conceptual forms. A genius is capable of feats of inductive and deductive reasoning. A genius has honed a fine sense of what works and what doesn't work. A genius recognizes the need for cooperation. A genius is capable of creative thought on an order of magnitude greater than those around him.

A genius blends philosophy, psychology, art, and science into a smooth, coherent whole. A genius is at the same time humble and selfish. He is immune to half-baked ideas and theories.

A genius knows the core of Tao. He knows that the best doing is non-doing. What seems like laziness to others is in reality a focused attention on deeper issues.

Genius is the natural state of mind. It is the result of a person's loss of barriers to the natural parallelism of the mind. His mind is unhindered by restrictive idea complexes including religion, ethics, and morals. He is neither theist nor atheist, but chooses to spend his time and energy on more important matters.

A genius trains his mind and his body, his emotions and his reactions. His mind is supple, able to take new attitudes rapidly and discard them just as quickly. His body is kept to an acceptible level of attractiveness and suppleness. He holds the reins of his emotions firmly and exercises them often. His reactions are quick, rapidly assimilating information and retaining it.

A genius studies logic and semantics. He is a preeminemt communicator, skilled in the forms and structure of modern communication. He knows how to elicit proper reactions from people as well as listen to others. He habitually engenders happiness in others. He has a sympathetic ear and knows when to keep quiet.

A genius does not give answers to questions, rather, he elicits the answers already present in the questioner. He is gentle and firm when dealing with rudeness. He encourages others to ask smarter questions and educate themselves rather than waste time and energy educating them.

U. G. Krishnamurti

2005-07-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.well.com/user/jct/

With U.G. the last nail was nailed shut in the coffin for me for enlightenment. There is no need to search for enlightenment, because there is only a snowball's chance in hell that I will get it, despite years of efforts. And there is no need to want it either. Real enlightenment, like anything else, is much better in the mind than it is in real life. The very search for it, the singleminded search, robs one of life. Everybody wants it, but nobody knows what they want, otherwise chances are they wouldn't want it.

At one point in time, I wanted nothing more than enlightenment. Not that I had intense desire for it, but there was desire for almost nothing else in the conscious mind. I was not yet acquainted with my subconscious desires. So, to myself, I desired nothing else, which should have given me enlightenment, were it not for all the other subconscious desires.

The subconscious is tricky. The moment you think you know it, is the moment you know it the least. Again, like many other things in life.

U.G. said that there has to be nothing else, absolutely nothing, then you will recieve something like what he has.

Which is of course impossible. So I am left with the same continuation of thought that everybody else has. I am merely mortal, not better than anyone else, or any other mystical mumbo-jumbo that characterises the new age movement. Enlightenment, like so many other terms of the 'New Age', has no real meaning for me any longer. But I can still talk about it, and bring my understanding of it to others, my purely negative understanding.

It gave me great pleasure to know that I was searching for a chimera. Now I can do something else! I'm free to desire things, free to live life fully. I can create my perfect life.

Eventually

2005-07-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

I can't really point to an eventually. Eventually, I will be dead, or so current science says. I have found it quite useless to look too far into the future. I cannot rely on myself long enough to pursue a path to completion, my mind simply cannot sacrifice the present for the future. It is that reason which has thrown me all over the United States, put me in all these outrageous situations, and caused me to still be up to my knees in debt.

I am treading water right now. The good thing is, I'm not incurring any new debts, though that will change once I get back into college. The roughly six thousand dollars I owe is going to have to just go away, because I am incapable of paying it in the normal fashion.

I can only guess at where this is all going. I'm not even sure that I will even get into college, nor what I will do if I don't. I was never sure what I would do if I had to leave my father's. It took being put on the spot for me to finally find out. I have so little control over my life that it almost scares me.

I can't put a finger on what I want. As far as I know, I want nothing. The days come, the days go, people come, people go. I interact with those who come along, and those who seek me out. Occasionally, a strong desire will manifest itself, and I don't rest until I have fulfilled it. My scooter was one of those.

If I were to compare myself in the Gurdjieffian sense to others, I would say that I have just as little will as others, but I am awake. I know my lack of will, whereas others merely think they have will, yet are still blown about by the winds of change like tumbleweeds. They blow me just as hard, harder even, because I have surrendered to them. In response to my surrender, I've been given a tiny amount of will. I am quite literally a one-toothed wolf in a land of sheep. As the old saying goes, I am king.

Being king is difficult. A king is truly a servant. With my pathetic will, I must guide and govern those around me, simply because others cannot do it themselves. Because there is no more capable king I can learn from, I must learn from myself. Which is within my power.

Currently, I can only affect minds in the accidental sense. I fumble about with my application of natural laws. I am pretty good at uplifting softer minds. Harder and closed minds are tougher. Those minds demand to be impressed. Impressing them is a difficult and thankless task. I have to work on a subtler level, operating outside their conscious parameters. By adjusting variables under their radar, I can succeed in destroying the advantages they give themselves to make them seem like they deserve to be respected. Their self-worth takes a hit when suddenly they are being treated exactly as they should be treated, precisely how they treat others.

The true colors of a person will emerge then. I force people to confront themselves, head on, without their buffers. Since most people cannot withstand that kind of pointed self-analysis, their minds recoil and I am blamed and accused of all sorts of horrible things.

My blog as a means of communication

2005-07-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

My blog is an evolving tool, and one of its best uses seems to be responding to questions asked of me about who I am, why I do things, etc.

I receive quite a few question that I cannot readily answer. To do so requires that the person asking know quite a bit about my philosophies. I hesitate to point to my blog as a means for others to come to an understanding about them. I can quickly, and have frequently, angered a person and driven them away solely by what I post in my blog.

People are incapable of taking my point of view. It entails a lot of self-reflection and challenges to belief structures. In my world, one can take nothing for granted. Nobody is capable of challenging themselves to the point I have. There exists no one with the impressive and unique skill set that I have.

Even should a person read and, in theory, understand what I am writing, they would be unable to deal with me on my own level. Real understanding comes with... luck. I can think of no other way to accomplish understanding. One must work in precisely the right way in precisely the right amounts to come to understand.

People spend lifetimes trying to understand, and end up no closer there than when they started. Even those that understood didn't understand all the time.

My advice, give it up. Understanding is impossible. I do not understand anything. Even I do not possess the intellectual capability to understand.

Understanding of myself or anybody else is impossible. One cannot even understand oneself.

In the giving up, one gains the understanding that was already present in one's makeup. The genius is liberated.

Creating

2005-07-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

It is our destiny to create. If we are not creating, we are tired, listless, bored.

It is our collective essence to create. Personality keeps us from creation. The whole of society (in the negative) is an attempt on a vast scale to keep the status quo, to prevent change, to debate, argue, and otherwise prevent creation. Society is stagnation. Politics and drama keep our eyes away from the fact that we are immensely creative beings.

We are always creating. It is the state of the mind as well as invisible intellectual constructs which keep us from creating exactly what we desire. Our minds are divided and complex. It goes in thousands of directions at once. As a result, we remain still, trapped in the pathetic chains our minds keep us in. There is no will present, no single 'I' which is capable of single-minded pursuit. Our brains work in a permanant prison that we are incapable of escaping.

It is impossible to escape that state. Our near limitless powers of creation are held tightly at bay by a mind that is incapable of comprehending its own power.

We are tantalized all the time by glimpses of freedom. Absolute freedom, in our minds, is a horribly weak dream that we have of being financially independant, having a glowing relationship, getting rich, and so on. Dreams with no basis in reality that are wholly constructs of an impaired, inhibited mind.

The reason we are not free is because we seek freedom. No other reason. If we stopped looking for freedom, we would see the freedom inherent all around us. We are ugly because we search for ugliness, and fail to see the inherent beauty of our creative selves.

We all have the potential for incredible beauty as well as ugliness, riches as well as poverty. Words taken for granted, often find new meaning when viewed in the light of new philosophies. That which is hated takes on new meaning, that which is loved becomes less so.

I am not saying anything anyone else hasn't said, all my words are completely unoriginal. But, viewed in the context of a new, radical philosophy, all words and ideas can be reexamined and rediscovered. The same ideas that one once thought was intimately familiar with can take on whole new meanings when one acquires a little being, a little sensitivity, a little knowledge, a little will.

It is that meaning, that effect on the soul that comes from an epiphany that is creation. It is true, our entire world is a construct, a plaything of the mind, but that by no means is a negative viewpoint. These rambles that set off intellectual bombs in your head are your primary mode of thought. If you were to observe the thoughts moving inside your mind, they bounce around from topic to topic with little direction.

With me, I contemplate the nature of existance. With everyone else, they contemplate their next meal, what they are going to say to the boss, the latest TV show they love. From useless topic to useless topic in one long hypnotic monologue. The monologue never ceases until the day you die. For now, you are interested in my monologue, but soon, you will forget about it and go back to your mediocre existance.

Personality vs. essence

2005-07-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

This little bit, borrowed heavily from Gurdjieff and Osho, is highly useful when trying to comprehend inner work.

Have you ever looked at a person and saw only a facade, with nothing behind it other than another facade? Politicians are like this. So eager to please, they put mask after mask on in an effort to appeal to people in order to get votes. The political process takes so much out of an individual that when he is finally elected, he is to concerned with keeping his place in society intact to actually get anything done.

That is what personality is. A series of learned behaviors and attitudes designed to protect your place in society. Personality masks a persons true essence, that given to them at birth. In most people, personality is all they have. During any particularly stressful time, the mask breaks, revealing the persons true character.

A certain amount of masking is healthy in a person, or so popular wisdom goes. I have never had much use for it. I face the world revealing to it my true essence, my well-developed, capable essence. It is far more difficult to drop the masks than one might think. One must drop all learned responses, all structured escapes, all hypocrisy. It is not something easily done. It takes much inner work, to lose ones false personality. All personality is false.

Personality is linked directly to the emotional center. Personality is built whenever our emotional selves are in conflict. It is a shielding mechanism that protects us from being hurt. We are so deathly afraid of being emotionally hurt that we build up complex masks to shield us from it. Over the course of a few decades these learned behaviors become invisible to us. To us, they are who we are.

But we are not our masks. From birth we were endowed with a powerful, creative spirit that lies dormant within us, waiting for us to find it. Most of us find a little bit of that spirit. It manifests as talents, abilities. But it is but the tip of the iceberg compared to what we are truly capable of.

Few people have the courage to drop their personalities and touch the pure essence lying underneath. Many are frightened by it, fearful that they will be cast from their hard-won places in society.

Within each of us lies a dormant genius, a budding Einstein, waiting to be found. It is easily seen in the intelligence of children, in how quickly they learn. But it never takes long for the hereditary emotional scars to be passed from parent to child. These scars are seen in the discipline given to them, the lessons taught to them, the values imparted. Left alone, a childs essence will find it's own expression, and he/she will be far better equipped to take his/her rightful place in destiny. But it never happens.

Essence is rebellious, essence is not concerned with this game of faces. Essence, once acknowledged, strives to find expression. Occasionally, it succeeds, overcoming the worst of odds. Essence does not fit well in society. It isn't concerned with the traditional means of success. That is why it is so intimidating. A persons essence may be that of a poet. If that man had courage, he would devote his life to poetry, a 'normal' life be damned.

My entire life is devoted to seeking and developing my inner essence. Society I have little use for, because society is not interested in my essence. Society is only interested in its own self-continuity.

I have found a good deal of my essence, my genius. My essence is genius, so naturally I am more intelligent than anyone else I've met. My essence is alchemy, I perform alchemy on the people I am around, helping them to find their essence. As I find more and more of my essence, I will become a veritable hurricane of alchemical force. I will understand myself and those around me. I will have the ability to perform immense works which will dominate the local landscape. Around me, it will be impossible to maintain ones personality, and one will be confronted with their sheer nothingness and seeming waste of their entire lives.

It is something anyone is capable of. I have found my way, and anyone who wishes to follow in my footsteps can try. The keys are open to anyone who is sharp enough or lucky enough to find them.

Distilled essence such as mine is nigh impossible to achieve. Few people in the course of history have ever become a Buddha, a Jesus, an Osho, a Gurdjieff. True masters are hard to come by. Teachers anyone can find in abundance. A teacher can never help you find essence. He will only build personality. Education won't get you there. It is an instrument of society, education is. It is wholly useless for developing ones essence.

A master doesn't teach. He cannot. Essence cannot be taught. it cannot be learned. It comes solely from the self, whereas all teachings come from elsewhere. A master breaks your learning down, he destroys your personality to reveal the essence. After that is done, it is up to you to have the courage to accept the worthlessness of all you have been taught, to move into the new world of uncertainty and change. A new world where you live and die by your essence. In most cases, a person is unable to handle it.

His mind is too closed to accept his own worthlessness. He hates the master for doing this to him. He sees himself as superior to the master. Of course, being a master, he knows all of this. A master, though very powerful, is limited in many ways, he is still a slave in many respects. A master is never perfect.

Existance created him this way. Nobody can be perfect, not even a master. This describes another trap to being with a master. Most people love the master, hold him in high regard. This is even more dangerous and more limiting than the other viewpoint. A person who does this is incapable of being influenced by the master because of the intense feeling present.

A masters best work occurs when the ones he is working on is friendly, yet indifferent to him. That is the state of pure potential which allows a master to work.

Another long and useless pontification

2005-07-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Communication is, and will always be, a creative endeavour. Participants in a communicative event should be interested in the building of something new. New ideas, new constructs, new endeavors should all be discussed.

Words and thoughts, when communicative, should be constructive and build on to a conversation.

The idea that there is a correct way to view things, go about things should be abandoned.

Words that should be eliminated from conversations should be: "I agree," "I disagree," "Yes, but," "I don't think so," and so on and so forth. These types of confrontational approaches to communication make it seem like the other's view is somehow wrong. Let it be known that there are no right or wrong points of view. We can only get progressively less wrong as we ascend spiritually. We can never get it right.

Don't look as that as a way to think, "Yeah, but my way is less wrong..." If two people are communicating correctly, they are both on relatively the same spiritual level, so they are both equally wrong. It is impossible to communicate meaningfully with a being on a higher level or a lower level. To one such as myself, communication is nigh impossible.

I can relate to someone my truths, but they will neither believe it nor be able to respond in any meaningful way. They can either accept my statements as truths, or seek truth elsewhere.

On my spiritual level, verbal communication is close to impossible, even with other beings of my level. Communication is mostly done by observing anothers being and deriving truth from it. Every being, no matter what the spiritual level, is an paramount example of truth. I need only extract that truth that is useful to me from another being in order to gain. Any attempt to teach one such as myself will end up in failure, because my thinking is on another level.

Hence is why I do not fit into society, and why I do not wish to fit in. If a group wishes me into their group they will clear a space for me and provide me with a place. Otherwise I will not intrude. People are with each other primarily for entertainment purposes. They cannot meaningfully impact each others lives, except on a superficial level.

A true seeker is alone. In fact, the first step to becoming a spiritual seeker is to have the courage to go it alone. There exists no group of people, no school, which is capable of imparting spiritual truths. They can only give weak, watered down methods, because the real method cannot be taught.

There is value in spending time with a being with an amplified spiritual level, like myself. I instinctually know what is necessary for a person to grow, and I will subconsciously work on them when I am with them. I am still learning how to do this, but it gives me immense pleasure to do so.

I have had many people tell me I enrich their lives simply by being with them, they cannot tell me how, or why. Neither can I really explain, though I can make attempts.

But, if anybody wants free intuitive and spiritual work done on them, all that is required is to befriend me and spend time with me. They need not do anything else, I provide all the homework and instruction. Best of all, one needs not think about it or even do anything actively in order to benefit; its best if they do not.

Work on your being is simple, but to build knowledge is more difficult. It gets more and more difficult to extract workable knowledge as your being grows. One must build sensitivity, otherwise it is easy to regress. Sensitivity is the ability to gather information. Information is transformed intuitively into knowledge. Intuition must be built right alongside sensitivity and being in order for real knowledge to be born.

Being is twofold. It includes the ability to be and the ability to do. Few people can do either. They flit from activity to activity hoping to get somewhere, sometime, but never get anywhere. They run as fast as they can in order to go nowhere.

Meditation builds being, but only to a certain level, and only if pursued in the correct fashion. Learning how to meditate is part of knowledge.

It takes knowledge to build being by yourself. It is best if you are around someone like myself in order to build your being independantly, while you are learning how to do self work. I have already distilled the teachings of many different teachers, seperating the wheat from the chaff. Most people reading this are of insufficient spiritual level to be able to perform this distinction, so it helps to have me to access to ask questions.

I can be of inordinate help to a seeker, but one must approach me in the correct way. To me, practically everyone on what they consider a spiritual journey isn't being nearly discriminating enough in their decisions on what to believe and what not to believe. They are also not being nearly authentic enough to find anything worthwhile. They aren't seeking with enough passion.

It is useless to come to me with questions like, "Describe yourself and your path." I cannot answer such questions meaningfully. I answer questions individually to each person. A question reveals much about the person asking it. A question like the one above indicates to me that the person asking it has no such path, and is looking for one. I cannot provide anyone with a path, it is a lot better to ask someone else.

"What do you think of path X" is better, because it means you are showing at least a little discrimination. Then I can give a more meaningful answer. Many times however, it will be, "it works for some people." or something similar. All paths lead the same way in the end. Nowhere. What you do in your life is essentially entertainment until you die, because your life is ultimately meaningless, until you can give it some.

Only you can give your life meaning, only you can make yourself useful. No one else can do it for you on anything other than the superficial level. You make all the rules of your life, and you are free to change them at will.

Until a person can internalize the preceding statements, they can not make any meaningful spiritual advancement. Notice how I said meaningful. Well, life has no meaning right? How can I say anything is meaningful, if it is ultimately meaningless?

The second lesson. Paradox. Life has no meaning, yet it does. One must have the correct mindset towards paradox to get anywhere. The universe is essentially paradox. A movement between extremes. The more paradox you can integrate into your being, the stronger that being becomes. To integrate paradox is tricky. It is my primary work, to integrate paradox into being. One must accept both sides of a paradox without judgement, and be able to use and apply the paradox in life.

An excellent example is the paradox of free will. Do we have free will? Is everything determinalistic? Yes and no, to both questions. Freedom is the realization that you are free, yet you are also a slave. We can become more free, but slaves we will remain in one form or another. The more one delves into that mystery, the more freedom becomes accessable to you.

One aspect of sensitivity is being able to find and explore paradoxes at will in day to day life. When one becomes trained at seeing them, boredom ceases to be. It is a never ending and never exhausting work to find and integrate paradox.

Love-hate, Freedom-slavery, left wing-right wing, ideological-practical, childlike-adultlike are just a few examples. With each paradox comes power. Power itself is a paradox. It never ends, until you choose to stop seeking.

Families

2005-06-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

are starting to fall down. The very institution that has sheltered and guided humanity is beginning to collapse under it's own weight.

The idea of the family is so basic to most people's worldview, that the idea of losing all the protections and structure is anathema to their eyes. People form deep emotional bonds to their parents and grandfathers and aunts, uncles, cousins.

Each family has its own way of life, it's own vision of how things work in the world. They instill this in the young ones as a matter of course while they are maturing. People get a lot of intellectual constructs from their family, particularly those of values, ethics and religious truths.

Society, for the most part, consists mainly of families and their collective perspectives. Since the institution of the family is repidly changing, those changes are reflected in societal changes.

Technology is playing a role, a big role, in these monumentous shifts in consciousness. Through all the advances, through all the shifts, people have remained unchanged. The eternal happiness and prosperity promised by technology has not materialized. Though physically, people are better off, emotionally and mentally, they still suffer. The same wounds keep materializing.

The family, which has sheltered and protected people for millenia, is now growing to be a hindrance to the growth of the human race. It is perpetuating the emotional harm which keeps people from realizing their happiness.

What keeps people from being happy is people themselves. We ourselves are the enemy. Humanity is in the process of weaning itself off those hindering chains that their families have become. Each person must learn to stand on his own feet, and not trust and throw themselves behind their families, and by extension, government and society, to provide for their happiness. No one else can help a person be happy. One must find it for himself.

People find happiness in service. But no one can demand a person to serve anymore. People are getting savvier and wiser. They are starting to realize the folly of service now, happiness later. No longer are they willing to give over decades of their life in hopes of one day being happier.

The reason these times are hectic are for that very reason. Less enlightened people have the idea that a return to the tyranny of the past is key to "fixing" all of societies problems. These people become demanding and unreasonable. They invoke ideals like selflessness and traditionalism in their efforts to get people under their wing.

It is those very selfish people being complained about which will bring on a new happier age. By having the courage to throw off naysayers nad to pursue truth and happiness on their own terms, they provide a beacon of light for others to follow.

The most selfish person one can find is the one pushing selflessness onto others. These supposedly selfless people are too cowardly to pursue their own truth, so they throw their truth onto others, scrabbling desperately for the security they are used to.

It is the younger "selfish" generation which is healing the wounds perpetuated by their elders. As healing often brings pain, elders recoil from the callous attitudes in their uncaring children. Like it or not, it is the younger people who are truly holding the wisdom and the perserverance necessary to bring humanity out of it's diseased state.

There is nothing that the so-called elders can provide for their children. These kids provide for themselves, in various ways. Elders have no debt to pay to their children. And neither must children give anything in return for what their parents do provide. It is no longer required. People are capable of standing on their own feet now.

The actions of giving and taking are no longer connected. One need not necessarily follow the other. People create their own happiness. The unreasonable expectations parents lay on their children (ALL expectations are unreasonable) no longer need to be taken seriously. A person can now take and take and give not, and still be rewarded by the universe for a job well done.

People are free to return feelings the way they wish. No longer is a person required to respect anyone they way the other wants them to. A person can act as selfishly and callously as he wants, and face no ill consequence.

The ideas of good and evil are falling apart. They have no meaning which can be relied upon. In the past, it was feasable to rely on the paradigm that if you do good things, you will be rewarded. That is no longer the case. Now, they only hold real meaning with staunch traditionalists and those with an image to protect. In both cases, it is strict utilitarianism which keeps these ideas afloat.

Utilitarianism rules the world, now.

Purity

2005-06-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

For a long time I wondered why I have so much talent, yet little passion or drive. The lack of such seems to be my number one hindrance. I cannot overcome such obstacles as laziness, low energy, boredom. I surf on the sea of my energy, tasting and feeling each emotional state, never judging or willing another state.

Today I watched an anime in which intent is the factor which decides strength. The main character had an intent so powerful, it completely overwhelmed a much more experienced and seasoned and, until he was beaten, a much more powerful foe.

The main character primary traits are his passion and his drive and his intense energy field. He uses these to make up for his lack of training, strategy and his average intellect.

As he learns to channel that passion and drive in a more focused emotional state, he alchemically moves towards a balanced state. What is key here is that he never changes, he grows. His intent becomes purer and purer.

I believe that it is that purity of intent which produces will. Man has no will because he is moving in thousands of directions at once. A person who desires will must learn to lose his other directions and move in one.

This is extremely difficult for man. Man's conditioning forces him to think of other things besides his purpose. These color his results, and all too often, they sabotage them in ways unseen.

I think that only the man who can throw the whole of society off his back is the one who can acquire any kind of will. Otherwise he will be doing society's bidding until the day he dies.

I think that in order to gain will, one must lose responsibility. One must leave the rest of the world to its own devices and pursue his goal. To do so requires extraordinary faith and courage. It takes a faithful and courageous man to destroy the hold society has on him and to stand on his own two feet.

One must trust in oneself enough to know that the world won't forsake him while he is off doing his thing.

In the beginning, one must first take that step off into the unknown. A small, baby step is fine, but the bigger the step, the more courageous one gets, the more rich the reward.

That step, that foolish step, sets the stage for the others. One gains confidence and surety, and with that confidence, one can throw more of societies burden off his back.

Most people who do this end up as criminals, trodden on by society's careless feet. It is part of the dark side of human nature that we anathemize our strongest and most capable. Humanity is afraid to take that step. In our fear, we criminalize and dehumanize those who can.

One can take the steps however, and still keep ones sanity and well-being in check. By keeping the intellect sharp, and number one firmly in mind, one can cast off the chains society has forced upon him, without allowing the careless mobs to witness. Secrecy is not the answer. Society will sniff your intentions out and you will be called to heel. The others will spot the one who answers only to himself.

Society is not an enemy, it should never be the enemy. By aligning oneself against society, you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead fight not. Surrender to the ebb and flow of society's manifestations and currents. Surrender allows ones barriers to dissolve and only through surrender is will found. By fighting not, one can focus on purifying and collecting intent.

Forge your own way, one that is neither meek nor stiff. Free your mind from lesser concerns. They sap your intent. But at the same time, don't ignore them. Look at the minutiae of life as a training mechanism. Pick and choose what to put off, what to forget, and what to take care of.

Find your greatest weakness. A weakness is what is taking up most of your thought space. For most people, that is sex. Immerse yourself in that weakness, explore it 100 percent. When you are satisfied, instantly forget it, and do something else. The energy felt will be tremendous.

Purity is hard-won. But it is well worth it.

A blueprint for a harmonious relationship

2005-05-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

It is my belief that relationships as they are are fucked. I realized this at an early age. Women have all the power, and it fucks things up. I think that this is the reason that marriages are failing in enormous numbers.

Men have emasculated themselves. After so much time being in the power position, they are growing tired of dictating relationships. They are allowing women to do so.

I think that this system is fundamentally flawed. So long as there is a dictator in a relationship, that relationship is doomed to fail.

It is a biological fact that sex is the purpose of a relationship. Procreation is written into the genetic code. Men have allowed women to have the power over sex. Women can now choose if and when they wish to have sex.

They are turning men into emotional wrecks. By denying men their purpose, they are denying the harmonious flow of energy that blows life into a relationship.

Each couple must find their own balance, but I have found my blueprint. I can not limit myself to a single relationship. I see no need to have multiple partners at once as of the present, but the whole marriage ordeal is out for me.

I will create a rule for my relationships. I will not allow a woman to hold out sex on me. If she has a disagreement with me, fine. We can discuss it after we have consummated our relationship. The Jews have a rule. No matter how things are going in a relationship, the couple always has sex once a week, on Friday. I will implement a similar rule. Before an argument, sex first.

By breaking states and changing moods, the emotional attachment to arguments is lost and the disagreement can be settled in a much friendlier and more rational tone.

If a woman withholds sex from me, that is the same as her saying she doesn't love me, she is just using me. She is doing violence on me to achieve selfish ends. I refuse to be emasculated in such a way.

It is also the mark of a childish, emotionally insolvent person. I have no use for such people.

Harmonious relationships require the best a man and a woman have to offer. Both sexes are at their emotional best with a healthy sex-life. Withholding of sex by a woman is wrong and mean-spirited.

Giving and Receiving

2005-05-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

A lot of pressure exists in society to be selfless, to do things for other people. It is true, one gets more pleasure out of giving than receiving, but only if it is done right.

Today, I had an experience that reinforced that fact to me.

A week ago, my father told me he would put up half of the money I needed for my scooter. I would pay the other half, and reimburse him later. A very reasonable gift, one I accepted easily.

I told him I might be able to come up with it in a week, and started planning on how to come up with it.

I hate my job. The only thing keeping me there is the fact that I am earning money towards something tangible. Since it is hard to get myself to want anything, when I do want something, I want it bad.

My plan for the next month was to work to pay off both my scooter and a trip to Kansas for Heartland Pagan Festival this month. Then I would take it easy and pay off my loans. Then I would take it even easier, and explore all the things in the city that I've been wanting to.

I was really hoping that I would get my scooter this weekend. But, no, he tells me, he doesn't have the money.

I kinda figured this would happen. But it disappointed me, a lot, even though I was setting myself up for it.

Vince does strange things whenever he thinks I am in a bad mood. He's really sensitive to such things. He starts trying to draw me out, and confront me. Which pisses me off. Before, I was just disappointed, now he's pissing me off. One of the things he does that pisses me off, is ask stupid questions. He does it all the time, and I'm trying to deal with it.

A stupid question is one with an obvious answer. Today (this isn't what pissed me off, it happened afterwards) he asked me where my tools are. He knows damn well where they are, I haven't brought them in. He's just doing it to throw me off, because he thinks I should have brought them in. Well, it was a long damn walk, and I didn't want to leave his old ass for that long of a time when it wasn't necessary for the job.

This time, he asked me if I had a helmet for a scooter. I misread him this time. I thought he was asking because he knew if I bought the scooter now, I wouldn't have a helmet to ride it with. Why would I have a helmet anyway, I don't need it right now? Nope, I was wrong. He wanted to help me get the scooter this weekend.

So, I got pissed off. And I told him so. And he told me what I said above. But, the way he said it...

"Well, I was trying to help you get your scooter, but no, now you're just going to have to wait."

It just pissed me off even more. I yelled, "Fine!"

If you want to do something for someone, first make sure you can. If you can't, or you might be able to do it, might not, don't say shit. If you give your word, make sure you can deliver. If you can't, or 'maybe', don't. If he had kept his mouth shut, none of this would've happened.

Second, if they don't want it, don't get pissed off. Don't force a person to accept what they don't want. Don't try to guilt a person into accepting it.

If you are really hell-bent on giving something to somebody, do it right. Work out something concrete. Don't make vague promises that could turn out to be something else entirely a week down the road.

So now I have no idea when I will get my scooter. It might not be for three more weeks. I have almost half of it. I could make the rest a week and a half from now, it could take two more. I could have had it tomorrow.

I can't say that I don't care about it, because I do, but I still have no regrets. My self-confidence and pride are worth more than a stupid scooter. He can't take those away for anything.

The Purpose of the Universe

2005-05-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

The Universe is engaged in an all-out experiment in experience. We as humans fulfill only a part of this vast, self-fulfilling purpose. As humans, our purpose is to experience for ourselves that reality which the universe wants us to experience.

You are existance's pawn in a great chess game. Existance throws us against one another, and it observes the reactions. Existance is the ultimate child, playing and learning with its creation.

Sometimes it is sad, sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is noble. Existance does some strange things.

Each one of us is an incarnation of existance. One small piece of a huge creation. As an incarnation of existance, we contain some of its power. We can affect the things around us in a small way. We can dictate our own reality as we see fit.

We accept certain rules as true. Yet the only thing that makes them true is the acceptance. The acceptance of the grosser physical rules is etched deep into the being by existance. Yet even those can be transcended. In the beginning, we know nothing but the rule. But we also know that some rules supercede others. One can escape gravity with an airplane.

It is easy enough to transcend physical rules, because they are the most easily observed. The rules of society and the rules of the mind are more difficult, but no less malleable.

The rules of the mind keep us on existance's path to experience. Put simply, we experience what the universe wants us to experience. We can experience nothing else.

It is the destiny spoken of. It is enforced by rules that penetrate to the very core of our being. It is impossible to change them. Yet try and try we do. That very struggle against oneself is written into our very soul, again by existance. It is the destiny of every single person to struggle with his identity until the day he dies.

One can come to a peace with the struggle, but it is only for a time. The struggle is buried, but, like rival nations, it always resurfaces, in different ways. Then the war with oneself and existance continues.

Most people do not fight only for themselves and existance. They also fight for goals larger than themselves and smaller than existance itself. The goals of society, for instance, are often taken on by people whose destiny is to live as a part of society. Some stuggle for a company, some struggle for a family, some struggle for an idea. Existance provides you with a struggle. Some struggle against authority, some fight for wealth and material gain, some fight for relationship. Everyone has that purpose, written deep into the soul.

The more one knows that purpose, the more one knows oneself, because that purpose is you. You exist for no other reason, but to do existance's bidding. That bidding, is as wide ranging as the people it dictates to. Some are destined to work for their entire lives and lead lives of misery and anguish. Others are blessed with wonderful lives, full of pleasure and ease. Some are persons of power, destined to wield and control the destinies of others. Others are destined to follow those with the power.

Whatever ones destiny is, it is always within the power of the person to change it, along those lines of observation given them by existance. One person is capable of seeing that he is poor, therefore it is within that persons power to make himself rich. It is limited only to the powers of imagination and observation.

Imagination and observation are like the twin forces of gravity and electromagentism. Imagination is like gravity, seemingly weak in comparison to electromagnetism on the small scale. A small magnet can exert more force than the entire planet when it pulls a piece of metal off the ground in defiance of gravity. Yet, gravity keeps the earth in orbit around the sun, by gravity alone. Electromagetism just exerts a small field around the earth and it affects nothing outside that field. And so it is with imagination and observation.

A realist may tell a dreamer to get a job, to stop dreaming so much, but in the long run, dreamers live better lives. Dreamers are better at bringing happiness into their lives, because they are focused on the long term.

A realist limits his view to observation, which, like electromagnetism, exerts a lot of force in the short term, but is powerless over the long term.

A realist may spend his entire life pursuing short-sighted goals and miss the larger picture. Realists always end up with regrets in life. By failing to expand one's consciousness through a little indulgence, realists miss out on a lot of life.

It is yet another conflict given to us by existance. The pressure put on a dreamer by a realist enables the dreamer to gain courage and pursue his dream even more strongly. The very presence of a dreamer living his dream strongly is the stuff legends are made of.

Tis' beautiful, this existance we are a part of. No piece out of place, nothing left out. We may think our lives are horrible, but in fact things are going exactly as planned.

The ever shifting flow of human interaction

2005-04-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

never ceases to fascinate me. Layers upon layers of meaning interact and flow to form a smooth (or rocky) flow of energy between persons.

I never tire of studying people and the myriad things that keep them occupied, without them even noticing. Every word, every gesture says something about the person inside.

I've observed that most people simply do not know hardly a thing about what makes them tick, where they are, or anything like that. I spoke to a few med school students today who, when asked, could not tell me why they wanted to be doctors.

School has destroyed these kids minds. They cannot even answer a simple question that has immense bearing on the life they will lead for the whole span of their lives.

My father is smarter than most, but his entire life revolves around an incapacity to deal with his own negative emotions.

The people I know simply cannot understand that I make observations, not judgements, so they sit in judgement of me, being uncomfortable at being observed. I have no wish to change this world. It is beautiful. A few understand, a few can see the game, but everybody else, I have to tread softly around for fear of raising hackles.

There are few good players of the game of life. It is the greatest game of all, you would think there were more skilled players. Nope, they hand their trump cards to others. They give away all their advantages. They don't even play by their own rules. They let others choose the rules.

Ah, well. Slowly people are beginning to wake up.

Some notes on responsibility

2005-04-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

As a rule, I don't believe in responsibility. What that means is that I typically refuse any responsibility foisted upon me by others.

I make my own rules in life. I take responsibility for myself. I sink or swim by my own power. If I sink, I have no one to blame but myself. If I swim, I have no one else to thank.

That doesn't mean I won't take on responsibilities to others of my own choosing though. I have a responsibility to my father to make myself available to work for him. Before, I accepted the responsibility to work for a coffee shop, and everything that entailed.

I take on responsibilities for others on a very limited basis, and only for selfish reasons.

To live in this society, one accepts a number of responsibilities. These responsibilities are ingrained into one from birth. It is this conditioning that allows one to function as a member of society. When you begin to refuse these responsibilities, you slowly start dropping out. I am completely out of responsibilities to society.

I am outside looking in. To me, members of society look like slaves, giving up their time and money so others can thrive, never thriving themselves. I haven't seen a member of society that isn't miserable. For the most part, they are unaware of it. They know not what it is that keeps them in a subdued, lifeless state. They don't know why they hate their spouses, why they hate their jobs, why they hate their lives.

Of course, some people love it. To them, it is not slavery. They love getting up every morning and doing the exact same thing they've been doing for years, striving to make their future lives better.

I almost envy those people. They have a purpose, a reason for living. I do not. I own only one thing. I have no purpose, except the maintenance of that one thing. That thing is myself.

I think that only one such as myself can truly say that I am the master of myself. It is only when you are uncaring, undesiring, unambitious that one can truly take charge of life. Because otherwise those cares, those desires, those ambitions rule. Those things always lead one to the outside world, to society.

Society is wonderful, it can fulfill any desire at all. You just merely have to put in the time and effort, and society will reward you with anything you wish.

But it is also slavery. Some people love slavery. No responsibilities, no cares, they simply exist, always working for society in hopes that society will reward them.

Or God. Religious slavery is one of the more insidious ones. In religion, you do not get anything at all, except a promise. Religion is just society projected after death. Take responsibility now, so that after you die you will be worry free! Sounds a lot like: Work hard now, so you can retire in fifty years!

Even the so-called "better" religions, aren't much better. Those too, have nothing to offer, but a drug high.

Even so, religion is the gateway to real living. In religion, one puts faith into, not his fellow man, but in higher forces, which may or may not exist. One is beginning to take real responsibility, because ones relationship to God determines any real-world benefits. But you are still a slave to God, to karma, to a spiritual path, whatever. You are still putting off ultimate pleasure until later.

Freedom is the ultimate pleasure. You cannot be truly happy unless you are truly free.

I demand more from my time. I see no need to work now so that I can be free later. I am free now! My responsibility is to watch over my freedom and ensure that I am always free to explore myself and my world, and not to be sucked into somebody elses. No more responsibilities, please!

Good mood today!

2005-04-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

After yet another shitty day at work, I went to the coffee shop.

Had me some coffee, (Coffee is my alcohol) and I got to see my crush today! Aagh, I feel like a fourteen-year-old girl! I just adore her! She flirted with me, like she flirts with everyone, her eyes occasionally looking my way whenever she knows I'm looking at her.

She so has ADD, and it so turns me on! She makes little seductive movements all the time because she's so bored all the time, I wish I could talk to her more! But I'm so introverted and shy :( This other guy came and talked to her for like an hour while I sat and drank coffee. The coolness of high school kids, sigh.

Theres another girl there who is just hot. But she is so serious all the time! I can't get worked up over a girl who never laughs, even if she is gorgeous.

When one lets the worries of the world get to you, it just kills it for me. I love that sense of wonder that comes from never knowing or worrying about what comes next in life. It is mysticism to me, to keep life a mystery. It isn't a sad or serious thing at all. It is delight!

After I left, (She asked me to have some more coffee! I declined though :( ) I did a little martial arts at the house to get my blood pumping. Oh I so wish they had my school here! I could get it down here, if I could talk about it enough and get enough people who want it here. Then I could get a trainer down here to start up a kolat. (dojo in Indonesian)

But I just am not extraverted enough to be able to do that. Maybe after I get enough experience as an electrician, I can go back to Utah and do electrical work.

Questions

2005-04-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

A question is a weapon. One should use them carefully.

A question, by it's very nature, implies that you are ignorant of the answer. If one is not ignorant of an answer, one should keep one's mouth shut, unless you are intent on challenging that person. Because if he/she answers incorrectly... you will point it out. A battle is on your hands.

The Socratic method consists of questions. Pointed questions, asked in such a way and in a certain order designed to bring about a certain conclusion. It is a very negative method, because it is designed to attack a persons conception of reality.

One should remember that ultimately, there are no true questions and there are no true answers. It all depends on a person's subjective view of reality. Objectivity simply doesn't exist, and is a result of societal conditioning. Anything one thinks of as objective is simply an answer given to you by others so that you will not ask the question.

Society hates questions.

Pagan pub night and Party!

2005-04-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

I try to get out to a pagan group once a week on Friday. It is something I do not in general enjoy doing.

But I keep doing it. I'm a patient fellow, and I know it will pay off in the end.

Typically, these gatherings involve me sitting around, occasionally talking, but mostly sitting doing nothing.

Normally, I get pissed off a few hours into it, and I leave.

In the beginning, nobody bothered to talk to me, or include me in their conversations. That is beginning to change. On Friday I talked for hours and had a great time.

I was geared up for a repeat performance the next day when I was invited to a party. I was badly disappointed as I was excluded from yet another fun event.

One might ask me why do I not think of other people. It is very simple. They do not think of me. For that reason, and that reason alone. But they cannot get rid of me so easily. I force myself on them, through their patent ignorance of me and their patronizations. ("Why aren't you having any fun, dammit!" Next time, I hope I will be even ruder to him than he was to me)

Of course, they do not know how rude they are or how much they piss me off, so the only forcing I am really doing is forcing myself to still want to be with these people. The simple reason is that I am sick of being ignored. Eventually I will get comfortable enough to carve my own place in this rude, thankless society.

Or maybe I'll just leave this stupid country, with its stupid people. I've had enough stupid to last me a lifetime, maybe I can find some smart for a change.

Americans are totally and completely selfish. One must adopt a similar selfish pose to survive. They are so selfish, they demand others look after their needs, without first seeing to the people they are oh so rudely interrupting or even themselves. Americans cannot help themselves, so they demand others help them, and get angry when they are ignored.

Not any more, with me. I'll just get angry first. Then demand from them, then ignore them.

Words are only words

2005-04-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

Divisions in the landscape of the mind to keep us sane. To live without them is impossible, but to let them rule you is folly.

My philosophy is, say what you want to say, when you want to say it. Do not worry about the consequences of your words, just say them. One can always smooth things over later, if tempers get too heated. And if others hate you for your words, don't worry too much about it. They aren't good friends, trying to pick and choose the words you say.

They aren't even good enemies, allowing themselves to be jerked around by your words. Words are powerful things to use. It is good for everybody to know how and when to use them. The only way to learn is to make mistakes. Say the wrong things to the wrong people. See how they react. They might not react how you think they would.

A person who never makes mistakes is a coward! As much a coward as those who let society dictate their lives, opinions, religious beliefs and political views. I am against cowards.

The first casualty

2005-04-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

of my blog has occurred. A friend of mine took exception to some of the things I stated in my last post. The resulting argument lost me that friend.

Something I wasn't really expecting, but I guess now, looking back, it isn't too hard to see.

This blog is a tool for myself. I don't care if anyone reads it. But please don't take offense at anything said in this space. The mind plays strange tricks. This space is designed, among other things, to provide an observing mechanism for it. It is one more meditation that I am trying.

Occasionally I will make a post, and the post will literally come off the top of my head. It isn't something one should take seriously. Listen to ones thoughts long enough and one will become convinced one is crazy.

My current effort is to be comfortable with who I am. I am relaxing into myself. Right now I am focused on accepting all those things in myself which others would hate about me. The arrogant, uncaring, ugly me. It is useful, sometimes. I am attempting to allow it to manifest itself fully, so that I might play with it.

Our selves have faces upon faces. Dig deep enough and you will find your worst enemy. Since I do not believe in having enemies, I am befriending this part of myself so that I might be stronger and less in conflict with myself.

I am exploring the shadow side of human relationship, the things people do not accept about themselves, and the other side of the coin of the reasons people get involved with each other.

I realize that this might be callous and will cause me to lose friends. Right now, I don't really care; at least, I am apathetic as far as my courage will allow.

Every person is born with a purpose in life. That purpose lies in the very center of every consciousness. It is beyond the ken of a person to apprehend his purpose. It drives him/her subconsciously, it defines that person's reality.

Nobody can change. Nobody can become anything he is not. To attempt it is only inviting conflict into oneself. It is impossible. One can fight against this, one will, it is a part of purpose, but inevitably one will fail.

Purpose is the same as entertainment. Your purpose essentially means nothing, it is just whiling away the time until you die. Nothing you do means anything, ultimately. There is no true meaning of life, only that which you make it.

Many people think that raising kids is their purpose in life. Those people are fooling themselves. You are just throwing away twenty years of life to biology.

Many people think "getting somewhere in life" is a purpose. These people work hard their entire lives to get nowhere. They spend their entire lives trying to achieve something and never get there. Eventually they die and then their self-made purpose dies along with him.

Lots of people think enlightenment is a suitable goal in life. They drift from guru to guru looking for it, getting attached and then getting disenchanted and disillusioned. Enlightenment means nothing. The sooner one realizes that the closer you are to it. It isn't something you can achieve. It happens by accident.

All you are doing is entertaining yourself. Spiritual journeys are useless for anything other than for drug highs, because that is all they are.

Politics Bites the Big One!

2005-04-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

All politics. I have no time for it. All of this putting on of different faces for different people, I'm sick of it. I wish it were possible for me to stop doing it, but I seem to be doing it constantly.

I don't want a personality. Personality is character traits given to you by other people that you take on personally. I don't need that. It wastes my time.

Extroverted people love personality. They get great kicks from this game of faces and drama. Not me. They love telling others how to act and how to treat them.

Introverted people are cowards. They play this game of faces just as much as others do, they are just too shy to admit it. They just go in the other direction with it.

I am a coward. I have neither the will nor the courage to drop my personality and become an individual.

I don't have the inclination to talk and talk to people. People talk too damn much! They talk to avoid searching. Nobody has any search in them. All they have is talk. Jibber jabber, jibber jabber; on and on and on.

With every word one says over what needs to be said, one gets further and further from enlightenment. Words divide, words limit. Words keep you from paying attention.

Because people aren't paying attention, they cannot understand the world around them. They cannot see others for who they are, nor can they come to any understanding.

Through this whole game of faces and drama, people come to imagine that they have some kind of power, when all they really have is some trait which unconsciously causes others to react in a certain way to them. Maybe they are manipulative, maybe they are demanding, but no one is truly powerful.

Because people give up their power. They give it up to others, to their boss, their job, their country. Power and freedom are synonymous. No one has any real freedom either, because they gave it all up for some measure of security. Security of a family, a job, a country, a husband or wife.

They depend on these people to make them happy. Right away that makes them powerless. Eighty percent of peoples talk is complaints. Complaints shackle you. Right away you give your power of happiness to somebody else. It makes one miserable.

People complain and complain, talk and talk. Instead of having courage, they complain. Myself included. I don't care to do it to others, but talk and complaints are always running through my mind, like a running nightmare.

Just like everybody else. We as humans dream and dream and dream. We don't have the courage to wake up.

There is only one way out of this nightmare. Meditation. Become a watcher. Don't pay attention to those thoughts. Meditate your entire life. Search hard with all of your being for your own truth. Stop talking, if only for a little while. Watch the thoughts, then stop them.

Eliminate the word responsibility from your vocabulary. Responsibility is doing things for others that you don't want to do. It shackles you. Become a lazy ass who doesn't do or care about anything. Have the courage to lose everything you own, even your mind. Take that jump into the unknown. Trust in yourself for once.

Don't worry about anyone or anything. Worry is even worse than responsibility. It gets you absolutely nowhere.

Don't regret anything. Regrets are the province of old men with nothing in their lives. If you regret, you will instantly get fifty years older.

Don't listen to people. They are just talking and complaining and dreaming. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with other people. Look for your own truth.

Morals get you nowhere either. They are the bedmates of responsibilities and worrys and regrets. Don't be afraid to be an asshole. So long as you are meditating while you are doing it, you have nothing to fear. Karma doesn't apply to people who are meditating.

In fact, karma only applies to people who believe in that stupid rule. If you have the courage, drop the whole idea. All it does is make people put on faces to get in karmas good favors. "Oh, I did this, so it cancels out this..." Bullshit. Just forget about it. It never got you anywhere anyway.

Find a hero to worship. Find out exactly what you like about him/her and steal it. Don't be afraid to be a thief. Steal everything from everbody you want something from. If you like this guys self confidence, steal it from him. If you like her arrogance, steal it. All you are doing is finding yourself. When you are done being arrogant and self-effacing, put it down without a word. Just stop.

If you really want a fucking hobby, be passionate about it. Don't half-ass it. If you don't care enough about it, you suck at it, and you are wasting your time, time better spent looking for what you really like. Don't belly dance just to lose weight in a fun way. Love your body instead, and find something else you love to do.

Don't go to business school just to earn money. You are only wasting it, and six years of being pathetic. Don't do anything for money. Damn Americans are always chasing it, and they're always wasting it. I can't even count all the money I've wasted over the years.

In fact, don't do anything. Drop out of this stupid society. It ain't getting you nowhere. Society is raping you up the ass and you love it.

Start meditating, and stop bitching.

The bitch philosophy

2005-03-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

No matter the desire, no matter the want, there are two classes of people. Bitches and non-bitches. Bitches whine and moan and complain about how they are entitled to whatever it is their heart longs for. Non bitches don't. Those in the second category usually don't give enough of a shit to call a bitch a bitch, but occasionally, they'll grow some balls.

And in the process, you get some really funny shit. Check out attrition.org's hate-mail archives. Or you can hang out in an IRC channel. Or this website, http://maddox.xmission.com. Just don't actually chat, or send mail, unless you want to be a bitch. Most of the time the owners of the particular forum you are abusing will make a mockery of you and put the communication up on the web for all to laugh at.

The endless stupidity of the entire world has ceased to amaze me. Now I just laugh my ass off.

And, in case you were wondering, yes, I am a bitch.

I'm off today!

2005-03-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

Pretty cool, but sort of weird. See, my talks with my father have been limited to, essentially, "You wanna come back to work?" "Sure." Nothing about how the situation has changed, or anything like that. I never even told him I wanted to work part-time. He asked me if I wanted to work tomorrow. My answer, "Do you need me?"

It really isn't up to me to decide when to work and when not to work. But he asks me all the same. I'm not really sure why. He gets mad whenever I say no, like I'm sabotaging something. So I learned to say yes. He still asks me, sometimes.

He replied to my question, "Do you need me?" with the answer, "Probably." I waited a few minutes, then I said, "Then I will work." He then worked things out in his head, like "I'm going to be running around a lot, I might not need you." We then let the matter drop.

And today I woke up early enough to get up on my own. As before, I would wait for him to wake me up to actually get up. I don't want to waste any of my relaxation time, because I get little of it when I work with him. It is really hard to relax on the job, even in those situations where nothing is preventing it. My mind gets in the way.

Today he left wihout me. I waited until ten-o-clock for him to contact me, then I went to the coffee shop.

Its rather fun to not know if I am working that day or not, and to only know when it comes. It gives an existential flavor to life. I don't need plans, I just work things as they go. It makes things really fun, to run into the unexpected.

Today, as I was sitting in the coffee shop, enjoying the music, a car pulls up and a blonde woman steps out. She was pretty stacked, and wearing a white cami top without a bra. She was an older lady, her face and skin showed signs of age.

I looked at her as she entered, ordered and left. I didn't stare, I don't stare, I just looked. I wondered if I should say something to her, but she never looked at me, except maybe when she was behind me at the creamer stand, I wasn't looking at her then, so I don't know. She seemed to take life seriously, and it is hard to approach those people.

Serious people to me are boring. But she was still attractive. Most guys my age would get turned off by her face, which was plain, but I didn't.

I am struck by my lack of courage. I wanted to say to this woman how attractive she was, that I would like to spend time with her, yet fear prevented me, as it has so many times before. I could not take that jump into the unknown.

I do not regret it, I do not regret anything I do, but it saddens me. When will I find courage? I must keep searching and keep searching until I find the secrets of authenticity, until I find the secrets of courage, of self-confidence.

I have no master to teach me. I must teach myself, until I find one, if he exists. I must prepare myself to take that leap into the unknown, the unknowable.

Watching moods

2005-03-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

I am reminded of a story in the Rajneesh Bible (Osho) of how George Gurdjieff sends a telegraph to his disciple, P. D. Ouspenskii and tells him to come to Caucasus. Ouspenskii was in London at the time, and the trip across Asia and Europe was fraught with perils, for his writings didn't exactly endear him to communist Russia.

But when the master calls... Ouspenskii dropped everything and began the trek. Eventually he reaches Gurdjieff, who says, "Now, the purpose is already fulfilled, you can go on back." Which steams Ouspenskii to no end. Osho writes that if Ouspenskii hadn't missed the point of the whole ordeal, he would have become enlightened by the time he got back to London. But he missed.

Which is what I am engaged in now. The longer I can hold this paradox in my head, without forcing the issue, the closer I will come to enlightenment, I think. To accept the fact that I hate electrical work, that I hate working with my father, that I am becoming as materialistic as he is, and still keep it up regardless... Much inner work I can accomplish through this.

As I worked today, the number one thing I was conscious of was my unhappiness. I simply cannot be happy doing electrical work, for the reasons I mentioned earlier. But to relax, and go with the flow, as against my grain as it is, will cause much friction inside of me. I will come out of this even happier than I was before. I am grateful for the opportunity.

And I know exactly when to stop. After it has accomplished it's goal. After I am out of debt, after I have money in the bank, after I have negated all the ties that keep me bound to a material existance, then I can move even further into the inner world, as well as the outer. Then it is time to move on.

But who knows, I never was a good fortune-teller.

Dreams

2005-03-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

are hard things to hold on to. It takes both hands, your feet, all ten toes on those feet and all the strength you can muster. A dream is just another love affair. The bigger the dream the racier and sexier the affair.

My dream is very simple. I want to love every aspect of my life. I want to love everyone in my life. I want to be able to give and recieve big things to regular people. I want love and laughter.

Sounds easy right? Not so. Tomorrow I go back to working with my father. One who says he won't compromise is doing exactly that. Putting my dream off until later.

Oh, it's a great idea, it is. Four to five hundred a week in my bank account. Something challenging to keep me occupied. More opportunities in the future to make even more money.

But it just isn't me. I am working to further someone else's vision of me. Someone else's dream. And not just one person either. All of my family wants me to be productive, to "make something of myself." I don't want their dream. I want mine. I am going to have to hold extra hard to it in the months ahead, until I can tell them all to go to hell.

The challenge is this. Can I keep this going, can I make myself do this long enough to get rid of my debt and save up a little money? It isn't that I hate electrical work, its that it won't get me anywhere. Construction is good for nothing but money in my book. My father is so identified with money that he thinks it will solve all his problems, and all of everybody elses problems too. He loves going out there and making a ton of money. Soon he won't have to give it to anyone, except his ex-wives. Heh.

It might work for him, but it won't work for me. I kept my dream alive while I was in the military, I even got to define it somewhat better. I can keep it for a few months. All for a little money to reduce my debt and fill the bank account for the time when I will be looking for my real calling.

I have a love affair with a coffee shop

2005-03-21T17:56:00.000-08:00

And a beautiful one at that. I love everything about a coffee shop. I
love the relaxation, I love the stimulating drinks and conversation. I
love working there. A coffee shop is the most wonderful of lovers.

I have an idealized vision of the perfect coffee shop. Laid back,
upbeat, staff, diverse patronage, wonderful coffee and alternative
drinks. Chocolate is almost all of these things. Upbeat and laid-back
they are not. Helpful and hardworking, most definately, laid back,
absolutely not.

Because my idealized version didn't fit exactly with my vision, my own
perceptions were dulled. I got caught up in the moment and allowed it
to make me miserable, when I found out that my perfect lover found me
wanting. I bent over backwards mentally to accomodate her, and got
burned in the end.

I ignored the fact that she was imperfect, like everything in life.

I am grateful for the experience. Now I know better how to handle
myself in such situations. I can trust myself more and not fret over
little things like work. I consider moments like these precious, where
my own flaws are revealed to me in a way that allows me to see them
clearly.

I know that it isn't my dreaming nature that is flawed, but my
reactions to perceived attacks that cause me to miss. Now I am free to
dream bigger dreams, soar to greater heights. I can leave my baser,
animal needs behind and explore the endless possibilities of the great
mystery of existance.

These alchemical moments come rarely, but with practice and with more
soaring, I can bring them more and more often.

Sigh

2005-03-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm no closer to knowing what the fuck is going on with my job. I did get to Strayer University and check them out. I might be out one door and in another.

The idea is, I can CLEP a whole bunch of courses in a matter of months and get enough college credit so that I can take a minumum of classes and get my Associates. I could use the fact that I'm working towards a Business Administration degree to get an retail job, something I think I would enjoy. A nice, forty hour a week study job that I can learn and earn at the same time. I could work in some small shop somewhere where I could get a lot of time to study.

I can probably swing it so my father will pay the upfront costs to getting into college. Then, when my financial aid kicks in, I could start paying more.

I like that idea. I can study and get my college credit on my own time, and cut the amount of money I will personally have to spend. I might even be able to get out of taking on any additional loans, if I'm really lucky. If I can CLEP fourteen classes, leaving only six, that means the total cost of my associates degree will be seventy two hundred dollars. My father will pay for at least half of that, leaving me with thirty six hundred bucks to account for. Pie. I might even convince him to take on more of the cost.

Opportunity, laziness, intelligence, success

2005-03-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

Words I believe go hand in hand for a healthy lifes philosophy. Many people mistake laziness, calling it evil and something to be avoided. Instead, a proper work ethic is elevated to a religious degree.

I think laziness is the prerequisite for intelligence. Intelligence requires fertile ground to prosper, and laziness is that bed. Laziness and creativity go hand in hand. Ours is a society of producers, not creators. Our schools train great engineers, but few true scientists. This philosophy has to change.

And change it will, starting with me.

I had a conversation with my mother recently, and she said I must make a positive effort towards something achievable, in other words, I must set short term goals. I cannot agree with this model, common sense it may seem.

Common sense deserves some expounding. I don't believe in common sense. Common sense means it is the sense of the commons, the masses. If I followed that sense, I would be just that, common. Not only that, taking common sense means imparting certain socially acceptable paradigms into the consciousness. Subconscious tendancies which set one up for failure before one even begins.

It is fine for those on lower levels, but for one such as myself, new models of living are needed.

Anyway, back to short term goals. I believe short term goals are limiting for someone such as myself. I train my mind to see opportunity. Focus in this manner on the micro, rather than the macro, fails to produce acceptable results.

I spend lots of time at the coffee shop. Doing this provides innumerous benefits for the future and the present. I am put into contact with lots of people, which leads to an inevitable widening of my contact pool. Anyone in business knows that contacts are your most powerful resource.

Spending time in a coffee shop enables me to hone my people skills, something also of enormous benefit and a guaranteed factor of success.

I also learn the practical sides of running a business, by chatting with the managers, working, paying attention, I can assimilate all the skills neccessary.

Also, doing something with such an unpredictable quality, you never know what is going to happen, I vastly increase my chances for something big to happen, something so incredibly chancy that it could be called a "big break". I could impress someone important, who might end up giving me a great job.

By assimilating all the qualities of a place like a coffee shop, my ideals and values shift and change to suit my environment, which is wonderful. It moves me on so many levels that I can easily justify the time and expense of frequenting such a place. It is such a pleasant place to be that I instantly relax there and I am able to deal with tough issues head on. It also challenges me in very profitable ways.

It is the same with everything I do. To spot possibilities in everything is something I take great pleasure in.

Well, the argument is, it is well and good to see possibilities, but if you never act on them, they don't materialize.

Very true, I say. Action is a big deal for level one and two types. But I don't see any real need for it. Action gets you somewhere, and I really don't need to go anywhere. I need not do, I only need be. To always have to be going somewhere, that is a curse I would not wish to inflict on anyone, yet everyone inflicts it on themselves.

God does nothing, goes nowhere, God simply is. God is everything. God is nothing. To act is to be of the ego, nonaction is the way of Buddha, the way of God. I challenge myself to do nothing. I challenge myself to categorize nothing, limit nothing. Action categorizes, action limits. Inaction is balance. Laziness is balance.

Inaction allows existance to push you in the direction needed. Inaction allows one to find his greatest fulfillment.

I am not making excuses. I do not need to become anything except that which I want to become. I already have the things I need, I simply have to fulfill my wants. By watching myself as I fulfill my wants, fulfill my ego, I find better ways to fulfill it. Sooner or later I won't need to satisfy my ego anymore. I will have transcended the want, the ego.

It is a constant work, creating myself. It is possibly why I haven't had the urge to create things on lower levels, like music, because I am so intent on creating myself, I have no urge to do anything else. I learn only what I need to fulfill the ego, then move on to being.

I have interest in cooking, but I never cook. It is only a ego fascination with food that leads me to cook. Once I eat, the fascination subsides. So my interest is not in cooking, it is in food. Which leads me in other directions. I have wondered about fasting, and about how much food I actually need to live.

I never end up fasting. But as I plumb down to deeper and deeper levels of being, my food consumption drops. I eat only as needed, and when food is easily available, for a cheap cost. Like tonight, my father ordered pizza. Otherwise I might not have eaten anything tonight.

Whenever I am hungry these days, I sit (or lay, or stand, or walk, whatever) and meditate on my hunger. How long will I hunger before I give in, what feelings my hunger brings, that sort of thing. When I tire of the meditation, I think of something else. Sooner or later the hunger will come back, then I will eat.

Now I look for easy ways to sate my hunger whenever it arises. I care not for a regular eating schedule. As the Buddhist maxim goes, "Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are tired." I have mac and cheese in the cupboard, sandwich stuff. I think my junk food days are over, but if I feel the need for some Popeye's I won't begrudge myself it, unless of course I cannot afford it, which is quickly becoming the case.

Unless I can get some more hours, I will be broke again. Which leads me to another meditation, one I do often. What kind of money situation is best for me, and easiest. Do I really need college? Should I go find a new one?

Finally I think I might have transcended money. I had a desperate urge to go back to college today, so I researched schools online. I decided that the best plan is to get an associates degree, that will offer me the best trade-off. I'm not really interested in trade-offs, but what I really want hasn't come into my mind yet, so a trade-off will have to suffice for now.

Anyway, the urge subsided, and I am left stronger for it. I don't know if college is in my future, nor if I will ever even go. And that is what I want. Pure Mysticism is not knowing, mysteriousness. Not knowing shortcuts the ego. The ego wants to know, but Mysticism doesn't allow it to.

More weird shit

2005-03-20T13:05:00.001-08:00

Well, I went in to the coffee shop where I work at to check the scheldule for this coming week. I found it quite odd that I wasn't scheduled for this week, but I didn't expect this. My name just mysteriously dropped from the schedule. For the whole next month!

I'm not too sure what is going on. Neither does the shift manager I usually work under. She said to talk to the owner.

I don't know if the owner just doesn't like me, if this is just an honest mistake, or what. I did hang around and help out for twenty minutes during a rush. You can't get rid of me that easily. I'll work for free if I have to, which I essentially just did. There have been a few times where I came in and helped close the shop, because they've been so busy, I just took pity on them and helped out.

They appreciated it so much that they gave me a third of the tips, which amounted to four dollars. I just made 12 dollars an hour, woot! I do it often enough that I'm likely to just get free drinks whenever I go in, which would be nice.

This gives me an opportunity. I can relocate, move to a different area. I can take another job, and say nothing about it to anyone, and allow myself to remain in limbo for the time being. I'm not one of those security-minded people, so it would suit me perfectly. Let them work it out.

I'm not too keen on talking to Vera, so I'll just work through the managers. If I do enough free work for them, they're going to work out some kind of favorable arrangement for me, the idea is. I can try that waiter thing I've always wanted to do. I can scout around my contacts and look for some kind of job or learning arrangement.

I can also try one of those online college things everyone raves about. (on TV, that is) I'm sure I can talk my dad into paying for the whole thing. And language courses too.

I'm not too keen on begging for my job back. If I play my cards right, they will be begging me to come back and work for them. Particularly if I tell them I'm working on a degree. And until then, I can work on my own terms.

Ain't life grand?

I just got back

2005-03-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

from the Gathering of the Dynion Mwyn tribes. A strange event it was. I decided to take advantage of the fact that virtually all the people I meet at camping events take way more food than they actually need. I would have gotten away with taking nothing, but my conscience wouldn't accept that.

I spent almost thirty dollars on an ice cooler with sandwich stuff, some juice, kefir, bagels, yogurt and rice cakes, so I wouldn't feel like an total mooch. My bread and bagels ended up getting lost, so I didn't even use the rest of the sandwich stuff, I lost the bagels after eating one. I consumed half of the juice, yogurt and rice cakes. The rest I got from others.

From here on out, I won't even bring anything to gatherings. I'll use my lack of food as an excuse to make friends with others, so I won't sit out on half of the fun of gatherings, making friends. I need all the help I can get.

Hell, maybe I could use that for the rest of my life too. Pretend like I'm broke all the time and get food from everybody else. If monks can do it, I can too.

It was cold as fuck down there. I never even got to use the pretty tent that I set up, which I borrowed from my girlfriend. I slept in my car. My feet kept freezing, so the second night, I moved to the back seat.

Somehow, I managed to get into a fight, though it baffles me how it happened. I am bad with alcohol. One drink is enough to make me quite tipsy, if I let it. So I had my one. I was happily sitting in my seat enjoying the feeling of being drunk when, out of nowhere, this dude says, "Hey you, you're pissing me off. Get the fuck out of here," real mean like. I thought he was kidding around, when he comes up to me and starts choking me.

I was still pretty tipsy, and I rather enjoyed being the drunken idiot getting beat on, but it kinda hurt. So I got his fingers off my neck and wrestled him around to the point where I was on top of him. He keeps whispering at me, "Swing!" I realized how drunk he was. Well, I'm drunk too, dammit! I should be allowed to have at least one drunken fight in my life, dammit!

So I did. Gave him a good one upside the head. I'm a little fuzzy on what happened next, but somehow I got off of him. I walked away. I didn't want to be in a place I wasn't welcome. This other guy throws my hood at me, which had gotten ripped off when the guy tried to pull me off him.

It was really weird. I probably would have left if my group hadn't shown up right then. I helped them unload and set up, then we moved my tent over to their camp.

Thinking back, if I had stuck around, we probably would have ended up friends, in that weird way that fights have. People always have more respect for people who end up beating their ass. I just thought I wasn't welcome. I was too afraid to use my presence to transform the situation. Oh well. There's always next time.

With every thing that happens, I get more and more confidence to attack the world and beat my place out of it. It is with great relish that I look at tomorrow, because with it brings new lessons, new experiences. Sooner or later I'll have so much presence that I will literally be able to walk the earth with nothing more than a backpack and faith in my self.

I can surmount any obsticle.

Pursuit of happiness

2005-03-15T00:42:00.000-08:00

Everybody pursues happiness, but few find it. For me, happiness is found in the simple pleasures of life, the simple challenges. Doing something that brings joy to another, conquering a minor challenge, those have brought me far more joy than my dreams of the future. I have noticed that everybody postpones their joy until later, when they'll be in a position to 'truly' enjoy themselves.

If they aren't truly enjoying themselves now, they never will. True happiness is only found in the present, never in the future, nor in the past. Dreaming about the future and longing for the past, these things are escapes from reality. You might as well give all that time to Everquest.

It is readily apparent to anyone with eyes how much I enjoy my life. I sleep as long as I want, I spend long hours at the coffee shop reading, chatting and drinking spiced chai. I spend lots of time with my girlfriend, enjoying the special energy that only she has. When I speak to people, I give them the time and respect they deserve and make every attempt to make them feel like they are loved and wanted. I engage children and animals and feel their fresh, youthful energy.

I could never give this life up for more joy, somewhere later down the road, if I make it, perhaps someday, when I'm in a better position, whatever. Any changes I make in life are only going to bring me more joy, more freedom, more challenge, more adventure. I am not afraid of anything existance might throw at me. I can conquer any challenge.

I have finished pursuing happiness. I have already found it.

No past, no future

2005-03-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

I am not concerned with the past in any way. Nor am I interested in the future. I only want one thing, transformation. All of my being focuses on that one thing. Everything I think is viewed in that reference.

Americans are so concerned with the future, they wouldn't exist without it. I am not American. I may live here, but I am not of here. I have one home, existance. It is the only home I need. Everything else fades away into inconsequence.

It drives my father insane, because I am not concerned in any way with upkeeping this house. I do absolutely nothing around here. In the past, it drove him nuts because I would leave my things places and not clean. But, he asked me to not do this, so now I stay in my room when I am here.

I still do nothing, but now he has nothing to complain about. But he still finds ways. Apparently he considers it my responsibility to help him upkeep his house. I do not care one way or another about this house. It is all him. He is going to bulldoze it in several years anyway.

It isn't even that much effort. A little creativity would solve all his problems. He never was one for creativity. He is very clever, but not creative.

Today he asked me to take care of the dishwasher. Something I would ordinarily have been happy to do for him. He could have simply asked, "Vince, would you mind clearing out the dishwasher for me?" and I would have stopped immediately, and done it for him. But he had to add the words, "I don't want to interrupt your busy schedule..."

See, he hates the fact that I have no responsibilities and refuse to take any on. He thinks it is a part of manhood.

In the first place, he is not a man himself. A man is someone who is emotionally stable. He is certainly not. I cannot hardly say anything to him about my religion, otherwise he gets in such an angry tiff that very much resembles a temper tantrum. Children get into temper tantrums.

A man is someone who can keep a wife. He is getting his third divorce. He cannot relate to anyone without pushing his own agenda on them. He is completely unable to accept the blame he pushes onto everybody else. He is a guilt-ridden man who hides his insecurities by bullying those around him.

For a person like this, I don't care to bring joy into his life. He knows nothing of joy, so I would be wasting my time. I am making no effort to transform him, because I just don't want to. I am not saying that I cannot transform him, nor making any excuses, because if I spent enough time on him, I could. I just don't want to. He is going to have to find himself in his own way.

I am being selfish. Selfishness is something I worked hard for. I am not going to give it up for some fool sense of familial loyalty. Nor do I care one whit about all the fishhooks he throws into my pond to get me to accept his way of looking at things. I am writing this on a brand new desk that he bought.

It is good that I have a desk, because earlier I was operating my computer from my bed. But the reason he bought the desk is so that I will go to school. He did not buy it out of love, or compassion, or to save my back. No, he bought it because he wants me to go to school, and he thinks that the desk will help me. The desk may make it more convenient, but the lack of it won't stop me, nor will having the desk make me go to school.

I have not made up my mind whether to go to school or not, nor do I care to. As the title says, I don't care for the future, even a few months ahead. When it comes time for me to choose, I will choose, not before. Instead, I will find the present.

No, I could care less about the desk, even though it saves my back some strain. If I so desired, I could have come up with my own solution to back pain. A much simpler solution than a desk. But the desk is here, and I enjoy every minute of it, even though I could care less about the desk itself.

The desk is a metaphor for my life. It is only a means to an end. But my life is not merely the means. It is also the end. I live life for life, not for money, respect, or responsibilities, as my father does. And I enjoy every second of it.

I enjoy my anger, I enjoy my sadness. I know nothing of misery, because I have no regrets. I do not regret any of the choices I have made, because they all come from the core of my being. I neither regret having joined the military, nor leaving it. I do not regret any of my experiences, nor have desired any other experiences to have taken their place.

I have some ideas of where I would like go, eventually. I have glorious dreams in which I am a force to behold. I have dreams in which things just happen around me, like they do now, just on a much bigger scale. Should I continue in succeeding in transforming myself, these dreams are bound to become reality.

Computer mess

2005-03-14T15:56:00.000-08:00

As it is, I'm doing pretty well on the computer front. I like computers. They enable me to exercise my logical rational brain and provide my poor ego with nice boosts. As it is right now I am running Mandrake Linux, the noob operating system which ranks just above Windows on the ease of use/power user sliding scale. I would like to make the move to a slightly more complex OS, but I'm not really sure which one I want.

I want to run Gentoo, but the installation buggers me when it comes to compiling a kernel. I must keep working at it. My ideal would be to use the two Sparcstations in my room to do server jobs for a new domain name. But I know not nearly enough to get this done. Nor do I really know what I would do with a domain name.

But it will be nice to have the skills to do anything I need when it comes time to do something. One friend of mine wants to start a Pagan church, and I could run the website. Or I could end up owning a coffee shop, and I could run the server for that. Or I could end up having a money-making website of my very own. Anything is possible.

I work at a coffee shop

2005-03-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

And I love it! I would work there for free! Sometimes, I do.

I have always wanted a life of simple pleasures. I neither need nor want to rule over men. I desire things that bring me joy. I want to give useful service to those around me. I want a leisurely life of no responsibilities. I want challenge and growth.

I have succeeded. What most westerners take decades of their life to achieve, I already have. I am incredibly joyful that I have the opportunity to live this life.

Which makes me incredibly grateful. I want to give back to existance, to allow existance to use me in more and better ways. The only way for me to do this is to grow.

The creative challenge of growth is one that gives me absolute delight. Sometimes though, it is a pain in the butt. I must deal with others who wish, in mine own best interests, to live life through their eyes. I must have the courage to tell them to piss off. That is something I am dealing with right now. Simply by writing this blog and encouraging others to come read it, I am exercising my courage, because I have no clue what is going to happen.

It is something I couldn't see myself actually doing a month ago. What if people hate it! Even worse, what if they like it! If they hate it, they don't have to read it. But if they like it? Then I will have to deall with positive expectations. Positive expectations are what sell people willingly into slavery. I do not want to become the slave to my own success. So it would challenge me yet again. I would have to creatively come up with ways to decrease my feelings of responsibility, as well as increase the amount of joy people receive from reading my blog.

Ahh, the possibilities are endless!

Enlightenment

2005-03-14T01:17:00.000-08:00

Enlightenment is a difficult topic to discuss, because it invariably boils down to the undiscussable. Words fail enlightenment. It cannot be described, it defies definition. Everything said about enlightenment is inherently wrong.

Am I enlightened? The question of the hour. For me, it is the question of a lifetime. Without even blinking an eyebrow, I can say, yes, I am enlightened. In the same breath, I would say, no, I am not. I can also say that the question is essentially meaningless, because enlightenment, like success, doesn't exist.

Enlightened activity and unenlightened activity are the same, yet they are different. Ideally, all the actions you would take are enlightened, but in practice, it is impossible to achieve this goal. Many enlightened people act unenlightened in many ways. Osho wrote about it. He said that the masters must remain in some way unenlightened, otherwise they will leave earthly existance behind.

So that makes enlightenment a sliding scale. There is no absolute anymore, there is no, "I am enlightened, you are not;" It is now a matter of degrees. There are, as George Gurdjieff and his disciple P. D. Ouspenskii posit, levels of enlightenment. They claim seven, but only three exist as of the present.

Level one consists of cavemen and corporate drones, those who dwell in the baser emotions. Their lives consist of a great struggle for something, be it for survival, or respect, or success. They have no religion except that which is given to them.

Level two people stand out from the level one. They found some kind of religion to devote themselves to. Level two is where one begins to lose their ego in search for the divine. Consequently, questions of ethics, morals and philosophy are the bread and butter of level two discourse. It is at this level society is rooted. Every level one and level two person is a mental slave to society. Level ones are unwilling, because they have no will. Level two's are willing slaves.

Level three people have found a higher religion, a religion that consists of meditation, introspection, and method. Questions of ethics and morals are lost on level threes, as level threes are deeply in tune with the interconnectedness of being. Good and evil lose meaning, as all things and all events become part of the natural order of things.

In my experience, it is easy to see the levels of those far under you, because their levels can be observed through their actions. However, as a fairly low level three, I find it difficult to objectively observe anothers level which is close to my own or higher, because I have no knowledge of what it means to be at even my own level. If I did indeed know, I would be at a much higher level. As the saying goes, "It takes one to know one."

To progress on my level means having an intimate relationship with existance to the point where silence becomes ultimate. My mind would be silent, my actions would be silent. I would move from doing to non-doing. I would be in communion with existance to the point where I would seem god-like.

Osho was like this. He was a veritable incarnation of the divine. Every movement was unscripted beauty. One could not take an picture of the man that was not immensely beautiful. It was written that a movie was shot of him, and every frame was beautiful. His charisma, his presence were unmatched.

Now that I think about it, all it really is is a deep communion. Anyone can do it. That was Osho's intention, to create Jesuses and Buddhas. I am close.

My first post

2005-03-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

With all things, one should first have a purpose to keep in mind, so this initial exploratory post will be just that, an exploritory formless train of thought type of post designed to come up with a sense of purpose for this endeavor.

I am using this space to work out difficulties I am having of a philisophical nature. I am using it to help me define my reality. I will also use it to help me determine my own wants and needs, because I currently am somewhat lacking in purpose for this life.

Let me first define reality. Reality is that which we see. Reality differs vastly between person to person, because each person sees differently. People see differently because their life's path causes them to look with filters designed to focus them on what matters most in their life.

It is this focus, which I am dealing with right now. I believe that all of life consists of focus, and as such, all of lifes difficulties can be overcome through the proper focus. It is a theory that works so long as you are capable of maintaining that focus. All of the geniuses of our time were intensely focused.

So many people mistake focus for desire, and maintain that the key to fulfilling wants is building a strong enough desire. I don't hold this to be true. One may accomplish many things through intense desire, but the law of unintended consequenses eventually catches up to you. Picture the movie star who became a prisoner of his own fame.

Desire works, but it is a blunt instrument that can do more to harm your dreams than forward them. Indeed, Buddhism teaches that desire=misery.

However, mere focus alone will result in an unpassioned life that is not worth the trouble to pursue. One can become a Boba Fett, whose intense focus deprives him of the simplest pleasures in life. Essentially, desire increases your worldview, and focus reduces it. One should have eyes which encompass both.